Low libido. High appetite. That’s just where I am right now in my life, y’all.

That’s the paradox of the The Malort.

I’m newly divorced. I don’t know what I like.

…aaaaand helicopter.

“I’m proud of myself. I got drunk and didn’t take my clothes off.”
“The trip isn’t over yet.”

I’m a one man woman…booze.

I’ll have a Malort Manhattan. Muddle up a cherry in that son of a bitch.

We developed a relationship because he’s not a dick.

We are fucking Hollywood pretty.

I love a cautionary tale.

And that’s when I knew I’d be slutty.

We Houston’ed the fuck out of last night.

It’s a good thing we’re drinking on our way to altitude. It helps us acclimate.

“We don’t have to do a shot.”
“But don’t you want to?”
“Of course.”

69? No one’s done that since the 70s.

Love yourself before you wreck yourself.

Strip club karaoke? What time?

Susan B. Anthropy… we all be suffragen.

Literacy for the win!

Texarkana….not even a place.I love being a dick with you.

My marital advice: run motherfucker, run.

You went to Catholic school. Are you okay?

My alligator mouth just wrote a check my hummingbird ass can’t cash.

He was a brawling millennial badass and I’m 180 years old.

Ass is powerful. It’s in the Bible somewhere.

“After these mimosas, my hangover is gone.”
“Oh, it’s the fresh squeezed orange juice.”

You’re not my wife, so don’t take this the wrong way.

I work 53 hours a week. I work 3 of those.

I’m like Dolly Parton. It takes a lot of money to look this cheap.

What’s the bar next to me? I can’t remember. I’m drunk right now.

Budgets are for people who don’t make enough money.

She wants to skin me and wear me like last year’s Versace.

We’re all just sucking on something right now.

I’m the PTA fuckin-vice president.

I can’t believe they made Britney dumber.

“I want to drink what you drink.”
“That’s not a good idea. I don’t make good choices.”

He processed his way right out of the relationship.

I had to stop taking pictures of my food.

“I’ll have the sparkling water.”
“The sparkling wine is a better choice.”

“I’m sure I could Google this and get a more accurate description.”
“Yeah, but let’s try and fuck it up.”

She’s a little more mentally elastic than I am.

“Is [that bar] open tonight?”
“I don’t want to know the answer to that.”

The math gets fuzzy when you get shit faced.

That was not a husband I wanted to keep.

Is that science? You’re the closest thing to a scientist I know.

Where is my wife/grand daughter?

I am ham bone right now.

I need to take some meat out of my tacos to make it fit.

I’ve seen the dildos.

“What’s wrong with you?”
“I don’t know.”

I’m scarred for life and you’re making fun of it. That’s probably why we’re friends.

I’d rather suck dick.

I was reaching for the cupcakes.

“Where were y’all before this?”
“We were getting shit faced.”

I’m here to fuck shit up, take names and eat food.

It smells good in here. It smells like sex.

I’m the only Asian who can’t do math.

What happened last night? I look like I got a bad perm. Does this have something to do with the guy spraying champagne over the balcony?

It’s so hard to look normal when you’ve been drinking all day.

We were all drunk and then S and I bought a house and I slid down the bannister. It’s a miracle no one wound up in the hospital or jail.

Hygiene is a pretty big thing for me.

I rarely have it in.

He’s a nice guy. He could do my taxes.

Better to have a bottom than a back.

Pump till she squirts.

I thought I drank a lot until I met Britney.

It’s clearly the Phil Collins playlist.

I’ve been a bro for a while.

My favorite friends are my terrible friends.

How am I kidding myself when my dick tells the truth all the time?

Do you want a shot? I lost my buzz.

This is not self deprivation — this is me being real.

Every inch counts.

I’ve been stabbed and we didn’t fight that long before.

Why tequila? I’ll take my clothes off without it.

Did the house just fart?

That’s the kind of Englishman I could get behind.

“What kind of shot?”
“Something that will get me ready for midgets.”

If I played a sport, I would shave my entire body.

You guys have glitter everywhere. It’s like a unicorn exploded in here.

I’m compassionate as fuck. I got this.

I’ve seen a lot of pickles in my time but I’ve never seen these little ones in the jar.

Ah my mouth feels great.

“You’re not a day drinker.”
“No, but I want to be.”

I will fuck a midget tomorrow night, but only if he has good grammar. I have standards.

I was high on freedom.

Thanks for blessing me with your breastestess.

I just want to pee in someone’s mouth right now.

Porn stars are pretty American.

I’m fairly certain that all Russians are mobsters.

My other butt story is…….

It’s not an urban legend. It’s your anus.

Bush is like carbon dating now.

DJ booth…it’s like a ball pit for the basic bitches.

“How’s that rosé?”
“It’s treating me right.”

One of my goals is as an American is to get knighted.

Let’s go home after this. I’ll put some pants on.

Drinks taste just as good on cloudy days.

My drink is slightly tart, mostly sweet. Kinda like me.

I’ll champagne, I won’t tequila.

I can’t remember which vagina I saw.

Before I take a picture of your ass, can I take a picture of your ass?

“Is that a rape whistle?”
“It is now.”

I don’t care how long it takes, I’m going to drink you fun.

“Should I shower later or just put on some more makeup?”
“It depends on how drunk we are.”

This is my favorite Madonna song. #arenafoley

We need some fucking 90s ballads right now.

Skiers make better lovers. I wouldn’t expect you to know that, being married to a boarder.

Regardless of whether my dick gets touched, I’m an entertaining guy.

I don’t want to be a va jay jay but I might sit out the next run.

I don’t know any girls who still dance.

“Is a metric shit ton more than a regular shit ton? And is that more or less than an assload?”
“Metric shit ton > regular shit ton > assload.”

I’m riding a porn star today, tomorrow and Sunday.

“You left me in the womb.”
“Bitch you moved to Texas!”

Do you ever try to not be judgmental? ….and fail every time?

Once you’ve seen one boob you’ve seen them all. Pussies are like snow flakes.

Does he have a grill or are his teeth just that fucked up?

You two are perfect for each other because you’re fucked up in the same way.

“My first experience was in college–“
“–with Jeep Liberties, butt sex or puffins?”

You’re making me very uncomfortable right now.

“Those are butthole lights. Confirmed.”
“They’re described in the catalog as rectal lamps.”

She had a cape hanging out of her vagina. Super pussy.

I did not order drinks, but I was involved with buttholes and super pussy.

No handjobs. That’s what vaginas and mouths are for.

Big Mouthfuls and Ass Parade — yep, that’s why she’s my porn doppelganger.

That’s not dirty. It’s just science.

I got off Facebook for Lent. Now I’m on Fuckbook.

Let those alarms suck yo’ dick.

Everyone knows lawyers are also pilots.

No, he was peeping in your window for quite some time.

Your triceps look really nice tonight.

I didn’t know Latinas were my fetish until I met you.

She was normal weird until our senior year. And then she got weird weird.

If you’re gonna cheat, lick a butthole or something.

I like to think of myself as a living wikipedia.

If you keep behaving like that, you’re not going to have a hangover in the morning and you’re gonna be sorry.

What time is it? Oh, shit, 6:17? I’m hammered.

“You can put the white ball wherever you want. That’s what I did.”
“Oh. Did you scratch?”

It’s so hard to think of a word when asked.

I had a little bit of Pedialyte but I’m still thirsty.

I have NOT been drinking all day. Just since 1:30.

Sometimes you have to clean up nuts.

I’d jack a guy off not to go to jail.

I’m totally confused by everything everyone’s talking about.

Strippers often choose another name. Like Cinnamon.

Oh look! Here’s the mango I threw at you.

I would like for you not to shout about it.

I’m only shutting it down to start it up somewhere else.

I’m better at having babies than most people.

What did you guys say? I’m on the verge of throwing up so I missed it.

He doesn’t live anywhere. Well, he lives in Pennsylvania.

You’re a multiple drink girl.

“It doesn’t taste as good as it smells.”
“That’s what she said.”

You wanna be a slut? Go be a slut over there.

Power of the P – does that mean pussy or penis?

Smells like ‘smores. Looks like whores.

I’m like your …smoldering temptress!

When your shoes get back, let’s go to the bar.

I would rather lick my own testicle than be with her.

I’m not going to break my streak for a mimosa.

It was very tasteful. You can’t see tits or taint.

She’s a professional drinker, like us.

Google drugs. We need to see what we’re dealing with.

Tinder is for desperate people.

A hot girl in North Dakota has to be a hooker.

That’s how the funny gets made.

You want to get drunk in Chicago? We have a two hour layover.

It was Saturday night. Of course I was drunk.

“Sometimes I worry about these two.”
“Because they’re worthless good-for-nothing pieces of shit?”
“Yes. I worry they’ll never have a sense of accomplishment.”

It’s too much analysis for my drunk mind.

You give me three grand and chances are, a UPS truck is coming to the house.

I would never call myself sober.

What is that? It’s scary. [pause] I think that’s what the inside of my mind looks like.

I’m AMERICAN! And PATRIOTIC! Wait, that song from the Coke commercial isn’t our national anthem?

My friends are like electricity. They take the path of least resistance.

Nooners can happen at midnight.

“I’m ready to get jacked. I just don’t want to lose my testicles.”
“If anything, you’ll get way too horny.”

If you’re not a little bit hungover at brunch, you’re not doing it right.

I’d like to have a beer with Wade Phillips, but I don’t want him to be my head coach.

This is dumb as shit, but it works for me.

“I got her some baller ass tea.”
“I thought you said teeth.”

I just got a beat inside me, you know?

I’ve hooked up with hotter chicks at the nursing home.

There are no mulligans in football.

Someone’s looking at my ass right now, aren’t they?

A lot of problems could be solved if people paid attention.

“It’s hard living inside my brain.”
“It’s hard living outside your brain.”

You’re fat and no one likes you.

“Are you running laps at the bar?”
“I’m winning the marathon that starts tomorrow.”

“I could give a fuck about your crack. No offense.”
“I’m pretty offended.”

Tebow, get out of your own vag.

At NASA, we called it the Zero G.

Have kids because then the government takes less money from you. Just kidding. Don’t have kids.

Apparently we were talking about vasectomies or something.

12,000 box jumps. Only shit myself twice.

It’s too early to be that fucked up.

That’s a proper MMA front mount.

If I don’t have to work tomorrow, I’m in a bar.

I don’t fuckin know. Some SEC bullshit.

Maybe Kim Kardashian is the new Marilyn Monroe because they were both whores.

I can never do Happy Hour specials from 4 – 7. Oh. They’re for people on vacation.

Laughing at you is a lot of fun.

But what if I had explosive residue on my hands, like your dick?

Just because they make it in your size, doesn’t mean you should wear it.

“Underwear is so uncomfortable.”
“Why are you wearing it? It’s Vegas.”

You talk to them and then you want to punch them in the face.

I’ve gotta get something in my mouth to change the taste.

Why would they be looking at me when there’s so much titty in the city?

I am koala-fied.

We’re on vacation. There is no such thing as time.

I heart Taylor Swift. I call her Tay-Tay.

But Louisiana actively sucks.

If you could avoid the cartel-style murders, you could go to Acapulco.

We’re gonna hit the liquor store. I mean, buy some vodka, not knock it over.

I’m impressed by your ability to focus while I hump you.

“Back there, there’s a bread smell.”
“A bride smell?”
“I don’t know what brides smell like.”
“You married me. Didn’t I smell like roses and sunshine and honey?”

Smallwood? Its name is little dick!

If you were satisfied, you wouldn’t be you.

It’s hard to define from a human perspective.

You know I have a thing for 12 year olds.

“Did you just say: I was wondering if all the douches in Michigan knew each other?”
“No, ginger.”
“Oh. I’m still gonna use douches.”

Really? Sluts don’t scare me.

There are good things about Lubbock, but living there isn’t one of them.

How do you feel about wigs on dogs?

I think most people think we’re less fucked up than we are.

I’m going to beat you with my tongue.

It spreads out nicely.

The two on top are in the middle.

Taco Bell’s slogan should be “Make a runs for the border.”

I’m sort of Asian so I have an abacus in my head.

It’s because our boobs keep us warm.

If you’re gonna scissor, why not have all your fingers out?

I’m thinking about investing in a catheter.

You hold the box, I’ll put the meat in.

You mile high city fuckers!

…Speaking of fellatio.

When you have more fun than other people, they get jealous.

Crumb catchers, my ass! Our boobs can catch a whole pizza.

I’m going to ignore your hostility right now.

I know the secret to the happy marriage… sometimes it’s shutting up and getting stuffed.

His brain is falling out. That’s why he’s wearing a hoodie.

It’s like putting a condom on.

They locked me out of my mother fuckin’ Facebook

I’m good, just a little wasted right now.

Did you just slap yourself in your face with your balls?

When we bought the boobie tassels, the thought process wasn’t there.

They’ve got a Brita. They’re here to party.

Every time I walk back into the circle of our friends, I get congratulated on you.

Ooopsie Poopsie. You know, when your butt lets out some poop.

In other news, my hair looks great!!

Oh the fun parade is here!

I’m so mean and funny sometimes I wish I could separate them.

I just want a fucking pineapple. You can wait two seconds for your goddamn banana.

We should drink together.

We gonna ride the love cruise.

Running without your shirt on doesn’t count as reflective clothing.

That’s why y’all are our favorite — you’re sober and you still act stupid.

“It’s a shock I’m an attorney and not a whore.”
“You’re still a whore.”

The best way to avoid anal sex dangers is to abstain from anal sex.

You can’t bash Johnny football and then turn around and suck his dick.

Most people say fuck the whore and marry the good girl. I say marry the whore.

This is the classiest ass floss ever.

You know what I would get rid of before world hunger? Sideline reporting.

Don’t Don Draper your wife.

You can’t outrun ugly.

There’s a reason you don’t kill people. So you can beat them up twice.

If I keep getting pooped on, I’m parking on the roof.

The bitch invents hours.

It’s like carrying my dick around. Pretty heavy.

My car and my phone are smarter than me.

She had it before I ever put my mouth on it.

I have a goal not to get roofied again in 2013.

If there’s not drinking involved, I’m not going.
Well that’s how most things in life are.

So they’re getting divorced for the hell of it.

That’s the definition of American… someone was a whore along the way.

I want a job where I can drink at lunch.

Everyone will have a beer. I’ll have five.

There’s some kind of beer involved with a goat and that’s the one I’m getting.

I think he needs to fuck it out.

What’s a wedding without fake hair?

You know what kind of whore we’d get out there? She’d be 400 pounds and get rolled in on a flatbed.

“Why is fried corn so good?”
“I dunno. Why is fried porn so good?”

Now my boobs are coming out because I’m pissed.

I frat hard sometimes.

I need to remember how to gamble.

No one should come at you with their mouth.

I can’t follow it… it’s breaking my brain….too many hash tags.

I’m not always right but I try to be.

Maybe you weren’t being sensitive to his chemical dependence.

I’m about to go manifest destiny on that vagina.

That’s the coolest beard I’ve ever seen.

She’s crazy but she’s honorable.

He should compost his beard.

I had an extra hour so I was composting.

I want to fuck you for the good of the country right now.

I leaned down and my head got drunk.

Sorry I left the ball gag at home.

Lips are different than teeth.

Drink for content–not for taste.

It would be nice to have a metabolism.

Life’s lessons are hard for rich kids.

I’m pretty fuckin loveable.

I have to re-douche my wardrobe.

Rocket science is easier than talking to girls.

I’m single as hell bro.

I’m going to watch video tape of you crying until it means nothing!

I haven’t yet met a person who I couldn’t teach something to.

I have my passport and all my makeup with me at all times. You never know when someone might ask you to leave the country.

I just cagled a little bit.

So we had a sex toy party and she was there.

There’s no penis that can prepare you for having a child.

“Everyone wants a rim job. Let’s face it.”
“That rim job was smooth.”
“I’d take a frozen rim job.”

If dreams can’t come true in the greatest city in the world, where can they come true?

I know it sounds crazy and you have science and logic on your side, but it’s all I can come up with.

“They have colleges there?”
“Yeah, other states refer to them as high schools.”

Is there an off button on this thing?

That’s my life–mitigating my own stupidity.

He’s got a five head. I’ve got a forehead.

“Why does the dress hang funny?”
“Well, your boobs are weighing it down.”

Sluts go with friends; whores go alone.

I just shat a melon.

I thought you were looking at your tits but you were looking at your ring.

I taught her the word taint tonight.

“What should I wear?”
“Something slutty.”

There’s no place for dinosaur genetalia.

I like your shirt but I’m kinda confused by it.

Somebody has to be “Rim Job!”

My rock is huge like my fiancé’s dong.

“That aside, she really did enjoy Satan’s Bitch and Cum Face.”
“You spell Cum Face C-U-M, right?”

He’s a nice guy who is oblivious to his situational arrogance.

I love how your tits are wider than you.

I had a consonant–suck it!!

Is turtle soup actual turtles? Angel hair pasta isn’t made out of angel hair.

I mean, I have like twelve friends and they all suck.

It’s a Texas Independence Day miracle!

It was a juxtaposition of emotional textures.

I just itched your boobs in public.

I think we make people uncomfortable.

There are multiple reasons I’m a bad mother.

Fuck me, left my sunglasses in the Benz again. White people problems!

There’s a whole different set of monkeys.

She sucked out loud.

My corporate job–um, I mean retail sales.

You can never go wrong with sex.

This is my whole theory about vaginas–

If there’s anything I taught Tebow, it’s how to throw a football.

That’s the surefire way to get the check; take your shirt off.

I cannot believe you have a girlfriend.

I forgot I took off my pants.

These balls…holy shit.

I try not to edit my resume when I’m drunk.

“I should buy that TV.”
“No, you’re buying dinner for 100 people in a year. You should save some money.”

He’s judging the school by 80% of the population. What a generalization.

I put up the horny sail.

If you ever try to have me killed, I’ll know you’re cheating, because you’re too lazy to be a single parent.

If I can get a nipple on skin, I’m happy.

Dick sock.

“Why isn’t it working? Oh, I put it in backwards.”
“That’s what she said.”

I am crazy, but at that point I was hammered and just trying to hold on.

What were the other arguments? I was busy breaking shit.

I know which one of my kids I’m giving you now.

“My bitch–“
“Your bitch? Yeah, let’s have a bitch-off.”

I love you whore! I call that a compliment sandwich.

I don’t think I’m seeing the type of enthusiasm I’d expect from a retriever.

I don’t want to jeopardize his love for me with bull balls.

Get to walking. I’ll get to watching.

My kids are nudists.

We all knew when you walked in here you’d already had your chicken.

If I just needed some semen for my vagina, I would have chosen differently.

You just got trumped by his own love for himself.

She just told her husband he looks like a gay leprechaun.

I don’t like to think of myself as a snob, but I like a clean establishment.

It’s never happened in the history of man, beer or glass.

A man just told me my boyfriend looks like a good snuggler.

You didn’t do New Year’s right if you didn’t tell someone you love, “Well fuck you.”

Yes, it’s the culinary shithole.

My penis is permanently flaccid. To the bathroom!

On a scale of one to ten, do you love me a 31 or a 57?

They could have gotten on the wrong side of pedophile.

Why don’t we just exchange STDs?

No more white or black elephants. I’m done with elephants of every race.

There was a vagina force pulling you to it.

“Fuck whales.”

You’re the oldest young person I’ve ever met in my life.

I’m ready to ruin a kid’s life.

If you hate someone, you don’t want their dick their anywhere near you.

Quiet sex is for midwesterners.

When I crawl inside your vagina, it’s wet.

You haven’t felt like an uptight bitch until you have to have “a talk with the help.”

This bar would be cool if you removed the douche factor.

I like how the smoke machine is still relevant here.

You’re a dick regardless but you can achieve different levels of dick.

Don’t be like me and ruin your day with substance abuse.

You know you’ve succeeded when she says, “Man that pubic hair looks nice.”

Yup. I’m going all dinosaur.

Mmmm. I need some of that in my life.

I’m gay with girls–I’m really happy with them.

You just out white-guyed the white guy.

“We had to walk off the Mexican.”
“What Mexican?”
“The food we ate for dinner. Not my girlfriend.”

What if I didn’t have fingers?

If I were single and drunk, I’d consider it.

All the priests I know drink a lot.

There were a lot of social barriers broken.

Speaking of compounds.

If you’re in the cycle, you don’t know about the cycle.

That might be the coolest thing I’ve ever done in this truck besides boning you.

“I’m gonna die when I’m 76.”
“You should die when you’re 75 because you were born in ’75.”
“Yeah! I’ll die when I’m 75.”
“Let’s plan this. I’m sending out save the dates for your funeral.”

“That felt a little gay, I gotta be honest.”
“Well, it looked a lot gay.”

Those port-a-potties look just like the ones from the bar last night. Wait, there’s something wrong with that statement.

I’m ready to ruin a kid’s life.

I’d clap if I weren’t drinking.

We’re at Whole Foods in Austin. It’s the epicenter of smug.

I gotta put it in my mouth.

We are the flames and they are the moths.

Yes, throwing up is the best cure for a hangover. Preventative medicine. It’s the Obamacare of alcoholism.

“Do you pee in the shower?”
“Are you kidding? Is it a drain? Does it go outside my house? Of course I pee in the shower.”

Yeah I heard! It was a public service announcement! The Twatsville Twatters are beat-able!

“It was the like the weirdest mix of shit. One had cottage cheese. And, like, a shoe.”
“Are you still talking about casseroles?”

I don’t like it when people bring their children to the bar. I mean, come on–I didn’t bring my alcoholic to your house.

All I need is a warm wet hole.

Heartburn and allergies are death knells to fun.

It was an awkward snowball.

I feel like I’m being photographically raped.

These 800 mg ibuprofen might be good for a hangover.

Write down “fecal matter”!

“I like the way you hold that wood.”
“No one pulls out quicker than I do.”

You don’t buy low and sell high with women.

You can’t tap back in!

These boots were made for walking but this dress was not.

It’s a very casual relationship. I don’t like him that much.

“Beans are an essential part of my life.”
“They have to be.”
“Why?? Because I’m a beaner?!”
“No. Because you’re vegetarian.”

I feel like we were having a really good time and then you just fuckin’ cratered.

I’m talking about the diaphragm inside of you, not the one you put in your vagina.

The dreamcatcher is there to catch the crazy stuff before it goes into your brain.

Sluts go after the dick; whores go after the money.

The more inappropriate you are, the more I love you.

“Is there a Long John Silver’s around here?”
“No, it’s just vagina tacos.”

There are things I learned at sex camp that I can’t show you because you don’t have a penis and Father Dick said I couldn’t.

I wanna hang it over her head and make her work for it–another lesson I learned at sex camp.

It was an itty bitty legless beaver.

Did you fart on our love?

“When I get fired–“
“Why are you getting fired?”
“At some point, I’m gonna fuck something up.”

You don’t erase royal fuck.

We’re not fighting. We’re co-ranting.

I already used up my whore budget for the year.

Nothing says Labor Day like a quick abortion and then a weekend on the lake.

Remember? You’re a crazy bitch.

What’s up with these bars that are only open Thursday through Saturday? Do I not thirst on a Wednesday?

“You want to hear something funny?”
“I pulled my groin in my sleep last night.”

They’re lesbians. They’re scared of balls.

Facebook is just a way to collect child support.

It’s too early for roofies.

I’m a jackass and I fully admit it.

You know what you need? A fuck-it list.

It was the best experience I ever had. It made me a man.

I haven’t screwed it up with anyone in a while.

My ass was showing. Again. I hate it when that happens.

She’s a little klepto. Can I say I’m not okay with her?

I am blacked out, fucking stupid wasted.

So if you really like food, you’re a foodie. What if you really like breasts? I guess you’re just a man.

It’s not a date until there’s penetration.

If you eat something that gets a boner, God hates you.

I’ll drink until I’m charismatic.

A baby is the worst STD.

“At the risk of being too personal, the best way to deal with humidity is to keep your region properly groomed.”
“I’m a trimmer. He’s a shaver.”

I will creep on Facebook for a name so that we can get drunk. This is a group effort.

He’s not going anywhere with us if we keep humping.

If I’m talking to a girl and she says she has a boyfriend, I’m like, “Let’s talk about your friends.”

I love it when you but clause something random.

I was thinking about going to a tittie bar last night but I found my way to an ATM, took some money out and decided to just go to bed.

He’s buying! Free shit baby!

I’m not going to let myself gravitate to a nutbag with big boobs just because I’m a little lonely ever again.

When I’m planning on getting really drunk, I like to listen to Amy Winehouse.

“If there’s a cult, I want to be the leader. I’ve led and I’ve followed, and I prefer to lead.”
“I’ve lead and I’ve followed, and I prefer to follow. But not you.”

I got beat by my dad when I was just a fetus.

You would make an excellent rich person.

It’s so fun to be drunk, isn’t it?

Let’s all get drunk together. As a family.

You guys have the pickiest fake ages.

“This whole thing is crap.”
“Yeah, but your tits look good.”

Speaking from a physics perspective, you’re not easy to lift up and hold.

No more salt. It’s been a mistake my whole life.

I’m a people person, not a math person.

I love my fat, dumb, happy place.

I’m a tidal wave of awesomeness and I’ve finally found someone who can join me in my awesomeness brigade.

This is what I should say to men before we start dating: “Hi, I’m S. Want to ruin my life in two years?”

Baby. You’re an AMG.

Is it salami that’s the most sensual of the cured meats?

Let’s face it–when you got a dick like that, you just can’t fuck a C cup.

“My nipples don’t have hair.”
“Maybe they should.”

That’s a ‘Merikun truck. Gas goes in, freedom comes out.

You ever see someone wearing a shirt that says “These colors don’t run” and think, “Neither do you”?

When I’m drunk, math is what I excel at.

She’s a cute girl. If she asks for it, I’ll give it to her.

I’m going to have a fun weekend. Something’s gonna die.

The truth is rarely eloquent.

You might as well buy her a strap on because she likes to do the humping.

You’re the resident expert on all things vagina.

I demand your pity!

I’ve never met a Canadian who wasn’t just a little bit off.

My steps to life: number one, don’t be an idiot. Number two, refer to number one.

If there was a cloud 10 I’d be on it.

Hey–I’ve got rings! I’m Saturn!

What does fluffing pay?

I want to sleep with you in a cocoon.

Bullshit. Alcohol is the difference-maker, man.

You seem reasonably well adjusted.

That t-shirt is awesome unless you’re in Oklahoma.

It’s a food orgy. I call it a forgy.

I’ve been meaning to tell you…your daughter smells like cupcakes. And chicken.

party. I get party. I am party.

I make sure raping and pillaging of the earth is done in the most efficient manner.

That was the creepiest most awesome thing I’ve ever heard in my life.

OMG what happened to my floor? I’m hoping that’s just cheese.

“I thought you were manning up.”
“Yeah, I almost started a slow clap.”

You know what’s a better game than chess? Anything.

People under you, you manage. People who are not subordinate to you, you manipulate. I’ve always been better at manipulating people.

Then there was a dick joke snowball.

She’s got my junk–I’m following her.

What is that? The ass-star?

I love that my redneck is actually a redneck.

I don’t feel like cheating on myself.

She’s the only slut you know.

That’s an armpit hair, not a pube.

That dog is clutch.

Is this guy a runner or a really shitty terrorist?

“Get in the truck and act normal.”
“I can’t. I’m too short to get in the truck and I’m not normal.”

You guys missed a spot–there’s still some white trash to exterminate.

I don’t know if you’ve picked up on this–but we’re awesome and everyone else sucks.

I need my glasses if we’re gonna judge.

If I’m gonna make an ass out of myself, I’m gonna do it while drinking out of a glass.

Now that’s a fucking wingman–you hump, he cuddles.

I come from the ghetto. We don’t actually have weddings.

I tend to be pretty self-involved when I’m hammered.

“That haircut and that shirt? What’s happening there?”
“Honey, she’s a math teacher.”

Fireman and pool boy combo? Holy crap he’s a unicorn.

Don’t use your words on me.

Normal torso, short extremeties; that’s my thing.

So, piggybacking on the Playmate story…

After that Bloody Mary, obscure things are scaring me.


Sorry. I’m busy looking for bush. I’m a little distracted.

I can’t wait until people start referring to me as “The Great.”

Inevitably I’m going to be kicking something hard.

I didn’t have a friend like me.

Where we had to get off the bus was…

My wetness is uncomfortable.

Does this not smell like a sandwich to you?

“Look at the idiot over there.”
“Which one?”
“The guy acting like a idiot.”

You’ll even let me scratch my penis in front of you and talk to you while I’m on the shitter.

Your logic is flawed but I’m just gonna go with it for now.

I remember that because we all laughed at you.

All you need is a hooker on your dong and you’re good to go.

How may lives, friendships and relationships will be ruined tonight?

I can’t believe I haven’t been married and divorced yet.

Who uses condoms anymore? What is it, 1995?

Haven’t you been to jail for stealing land?

Thank you for acknowledging my birth after 30.

Your super power is crushing girls’ souls.

Sushi. The most Jewish of foods.

There’s nothing wrong with the reach-around.

“A fivesome?”
“Was there only one girl?”
“We call that the awkard Eiffel Tower.”

You gotta sew my buttonhole.

You dated douchebags way too long. Welcome to Oklahoma.

I can’t believe I’m going out of my way to check out fat girls’ asses.

We have everything we need to travel through time except for the energy.

How the fuck did that asshole think of that shit?

Mmmm. The Neon. That one was a good idea.

Did you get close enough to see the actual mullet or just the silhouette of the mullet?

No wonder we haven’t been able to find anyone else. No one else is as fucked up as we are.

That’s so rude to offer to buy a panda and not follow through.

I need your boobs in the bathroom.

Speaking of awesome, have we met?

No one puts camou in a corner.

I don’t mean to geek out, but…

Can you watch our baby while I take a shot?

We own our fashion.

I know what you’re thinking: is that a Miley Cyrus shirt?

“I haven’t thrown up since 1996.”
“I threw up last week.”
“I threw up this morning.”

“The only time a van is acceptable is if it’s blacked out with wheels and you’re part of the A-Team.”
“And you have a friend who looks like Mr. T.”

She also takes sexual favors.

I haven’t said anything weird for at least 30 minutes.

It was a hairy melon asshole.

It’s a whale. The goddamn bike would get crushed.

I know it’s Plano but you really don’t have to do whatever everyone else is doing.

I need a reset button on this face.

If do sexy, I just look pissed.

Is that a molest-o-van?

Puppies, rainbows and free candy.

I don’t want to confuse you little girl.

Ew. Smells like taint.

I can float the shit out of a river.

It’s an inbread piece of shit. OU is not involved.

It’s a T-shirt cape.

I need spike in my life.

God, we have it so good. Let’s just take this time to reflect.

I’m just gonna say this for you–we complete you–it’s the opposite of Jerry Maguire.

We’re getting a moleskin tomorrow.

I got a refund of reefer.

I only dance after people have been to douchebag places.

He’s performing a community service–talking to a senior citizen at the bar.

I don’t see enough slut.

Isn’t that surprising?–it was under my ass.

Come on, feel the noise. And bring a panda.

I need a hotel room. And a 12-pack of condoms. Let’s do this.

I don’t want to sit in the Taco Bell drive thru. I just want to bone.

Chalk one up in the win column.

Baby, I feel like a pedophile.

I will kick box someone to death.

Sometimes you gotta be slutty to get the job done.

“The sun is driving me nuts.”
“How do think I feel? I actually have nuts.”

At least he has sheets. I’ve dated people who didn’t.

Speaking of the Jersey shore…

That’s what I do if I’m feeling over 35% lazy.

“Can I help you?”
“I feel like there’s something I can help you with.”

My eyeball itches.

Don’t get off on your vagina high horse.

Vaginas don’t get cheese. They get dick.

She has boobs, a waist and a butt. She’s a triple crown!

We discuss areolas every time we hang out.

I’ve gotta be honest–nothing will emasculate me. You should see me in a thong.

I will murder you…sexually.

I wanna be inside of you as soon as I get outside of you.

I’m like iPhone hand girl.

“I’m still gonna bomb her house.”
“Nah, it’s not worth it. It’s a waste of a good bomb.”

Baby, you’re a princess. You deserve more than one dinner. Granted, I haven’t taken you to one.

“Baby, why am I hungry?”
“Probably because you need a cock in you.”

I’m gonna take a nap. Then I’m gonna wake up and get drunk.

If I buy a girl dinner that’s at least second base.

Which club are we going to destroy tonight?

I need some drunk douchebags to buy me drinks. I’m kinda broke.

He didn’t love me enough to choke me.

You have a friend named Carl? Sounds made up to me.

I bet he does anal in like the first five minutes without any lube.

If I put on my British accent I can pick up any guy.

What’s it called when you’re banging a girl and turn you turn around and fart in her vagina?

You’re uncircumcised? Gross. You need to get that shit fixed.

What famous people do you jerk off to?

That was gross and awesome.

I have David’s pants in my purse. I think.

Is there a roofie in my drink? Doesn’t taste like it. Oh wait, roofies are tasteless.

You apply your catlike reflexes to dancing as well as to not spilling drinks.

Nymphos are fun for a while. Then it becomes a part time job.

My desire for you might drive me to drive to you.

I’ve just been roaming around here in the fucking dark trying to figure out where the hell I’m gonna have two fucking conference calls.

One full bed, one single, one rollaway. I have run into this shit approximately 87 times this morning.

“I want to kill people.”
“You have my permission to kill them.”
“It. Seriously. Might. Happen.”
“I’ll ship you my gun.”
“No time for that. Strangulation.”

I just spilled cranberry juice on the hotel lobby rug. I sort of never want to go back to my room.

We had a massive orgy. There was a lot of drugs, a lot of orifices. Then we formed a gigantic human chain and skied down the mountain naked.

Where are you triflin’ motherfuckers? Happy hour is on.

“I hope your day was relaxing.”
“Yeah, thanks. I just lost $40 at roulette.”

I have to urinate again.

She was doing PDFs with her boyfriend. Oh shit, I meant PDA.

Tastes terrible. Must be right.

Worst relationship ever. All this sex…it’s hurting my penis.

It’s a good thing you drink as much as you do. Otherwise this would just be weird.

Let’s go watch stupid videos at my house and have sex.

She fuckin’ delivers.

“What did you just say?”
“I don’t know but it sounds cool.”

They’re from Colorado. They’re totally going to be white.

You look like you need a set of boobs on your back.

They look like so much fun. They’re like us.

I can’t wait to bone you again. And I’ve already done it three times today.

I meant to tell you that but we were busy making out.

At that point I thought I’d had a bad experience. I had not.

I’m not really good at anything in life but my penis is huge.

I’m from Oklahoma–give me some credit. I know meth mouth.

A good entreprenuerial stripper would have already been there.

“I know you didn’t just call me bitch.”
“With the utmost respect.”

I fully recognize that there’s a part of me that’s white trash.

I’m standing, which I like. In case shit goes down.

I’m fine with porn in any form but this happened to be in a book.

It might sound good. But it’s not good.

Speaking of nudity…

It’s like a sea of she’s-not-that-hot.

“Isn’t that like the biggest cherry you’ve ever seen?”
“Holy ball sack.”

No superfluous penises. One’s all you need.

Let me handle this and then I’m going to tell you all the old man ball stories.

“So are you together?”

I make fun of Speedos but thank God for that tiny strip of fabric.

“I’m in.”
“That’s what she said.”

I should introduce you to meat.

Which graphic T-shirt should I wear? Aflliction? Tap Out?

You just said taste nugget.

There was malt liquor involved.

Douchebaggery might be a prerequisite.

That’s how I judge a good weekend. Multiple showings of Joe Dirt.

Do you have sperm? Is it optimal for my ovary? Let’s do this.

“Do you like the side half ponytail?”
“Yeah. It takes me back to my Flock of Seagull days.”

I’ll take my raspberry vodka straight like a man.

I have to crap all of a sudden.

Yup, that’s right. I’ll be the one boning THAT.

I don’t think anyone understands how awesome and awkward this is.

Rednecks are sneaky sons o’ bitches.

You can call it fvodka. We are in the U.S.

I’m middle Eastern. We have big dongs. That’s how we know how to use dynamite.

Her friend wants my balls and I’m so drunk I might screw it up.

We rule the world together as co-kings.

God that purse is heavy. She must have a vagina and a laptop in there.

This right here is the gay circle. And in no way is that gay.

I think you’re T-Rexing.

“He just showed a nipple.”
“Her nipple?”
“No. His.”

If you’re gonna be loud, you might as well be absurd too.

He’s either really cool or something’s wrong with that kid.

“Maybe we could have someone drive us home.”
“I don’t know if that’s safe.”
“I didn’t say it was a good idea. I said it would be more efficient.”

I don’t know the Internet awesome but I know it kinda well.

You passed the douchebag test. Just barely.

“Why do you think this is a gay bar?”
“Because if I were gay, I’d come here.”

“You just saw me outside earlier and you ignored me.”
“You were not as beautiful then as you are now.”

I’m trying to be an asshole but I don’t do it that well.

I think I am going to go on one of those cougar cruises. See if I can find someone that wants to rob my cradle.

These people have no idea how lame their lives are compared to mine.

“You look like a terrorist tonight.”
“I feel like a terrorist tonight.”

My phone is giving me complete joy right now. It’s an iPhone 4–have you seen it?

I applaud your forethought and dedication to drinking/partying.

She gave me fresh orange juice and the third degree.

I’ll pump your gas. I don’t even know what that means.

I wear a size 14. I’m pretty sure hookers don’t dance in these.

You should have sex in those boots.

He’s spiritual and earthy. He might be a druid.

For inbreds, you look pretty good.

“Did she just say ‘dessert in the pants’?”
“Yeah, that’s her nickname for me.”

You’re gonna be a motorboating son of a bitch.

I put my snuggie in the washer today.

Fuck me in the ass. Hey, how y’all doin’?

“That’s a good idea.”
“Those are the only ones I have.”

I’m a long stride kind of guy.

If I could, I’d have sex with hummous as lube.

It was like a farm animal fuck train.

“I can think of 37 ways to warm you up.”
“That’s a lot.”
“Yeah. I’m an engineer.”

That’s such a bullshit rule. Why don’t they just put a diaper on the kicker?

Show me your mouth.

You just don’t look like a swamp kitten. Maybe it’s because you have all your teeth.

“They’re not exactly known for their offense.”
“No, they’re known for their chaos.”

I think he’s European–why?

I don’t know what move that was, but it was awesome.

I was like, “Yeah. I’m with her.”

If you don’t know what your chi is, does it matter if it’s balanced?

I’m very sad I’m not wearing one of those Happy New Year’s headbands right now. But I’m quite sure I’ll be wearing one before the end of the night.

“Are you writing a novel?”
“I already did that. Now I just write down things drunks say.”

“It was all downhill from there, huh?”
“I prefer to say uphill. I haven’t been hammered in a while.”

Get me fucked up and I can’t talk.

I have a doctor friend. I sell him drugs.

There are some places you can’t go because they’re guarded by hillbillies, moonshine and guns. They’ll ask you questions in an accent you can’t understand. It’s like Deliverance, but real.

“Maybe she was tired. Or maybe she wanted her boyfriend inside of her.”
“Or maybe she was tired because her boyfriend was inside of her.”

I do not miss the hugs that involved kisses.

I’m a very well-spoken douchebag. Fuck you.

That dog had more Facebook friends than you. Don’t lie.

I don’t want to think of myself as a chauvinist.

Common sense isn’t common. Therefore it should be uncommon sense.

Your balls are not that old.

White people and Mexican people know how to cook the shit out of pork.

You’re white. You’re fucked.

So you’re stereotyping. I support that.

“I love alcohol made by monks. I feel like there is real focus there.”
“Agreed. Because what the fuck else do monks have to do?”

“Everything is really long on my plate.”
“That’s what she said.”

I don’t know what’s going on except there’s a lot of wine on the table and it makes me happy.

The problem with our world is that some things are automatic and some aren’t.

It’s like a wine suicide.

“Have you ever felt a monkey’s butt?”
“No, I’ve never felt a monkey’s butt.”
“That’s surprising.”

We’re kinda street but not very enthusiastic about it.

My motto right now is not “Be all that you can be”–it’s “Don’t fuck up.”

That’s the biggest gape in my hole.

This wine has strength. I need that tonight.

I think I’ll tell you about the most disturbing story I’ve ever known.

People die much earlier in life from stupidity.

Let me finish my story and then we’ll make out.

It’s one thing I always lie about so it’s okay.

I can’t believe we had any lines—they were crossed a long time ago.

Pretend you’re lame.

Maybe I’ve been watching too much porn.

This is how fucked up Irish Catholic families are.

“I don’t make any money right now but I will.”
“You are money and that’s all that matters.”

There are a lot of things you do that bother me. That’s the first one you’ve asked my opinion about.

“Before midnight, in the front. After midnight, in the back.”
“That’s what she said.”

I’ve been thinking of the drug addict back door neighbor for a babysitter.

I feel like it’s time for me to start inappropriately texting people.

“Can I tell you guys the stories of my boob pictures?”
“I wish you would.”

“You didn’t breast feed seven kids.”
“We should re-count.”

“I know how to use mine but I don’t get it out.”
“That’s what he said.”

Nobody likes something yucky.

Squirrels ate mine last year. And I have the fattest squirrels ever.

You have nut in your teeth.

She will get on her knees at any time for any reason.

It’s 11:10 p.m. I hate you now.

It’s not adorable. It’s a cry for help.

Put him on the ho-tation.

Why would you stake down a baby elephant? I feel like it should be able to walk around.

I would like the story to switch over to either human babies or regular people.

I don’t understand what pictures are being taken right now.

It’s not really worth it and it hurts your jaw.

I love that cereal. It makes good After Milk.

I’m never disappointed in any girl who drinks beer.

I’m like a kid in a beer store.

“We are some good-looking people.”
“That’s what I was thinking—although the women are bringing up the average.”

I’m more of a spitter.

I thought you were smelling your armpit.

“He’s gotta have some value and I think that’s where his lies.”
“Agreed. He’s used up all of his other value.”

This might be one of the best days ever.

I’m going to bring my jar o money to the hot dog place.

I want my drunk to stay just like this. I don’t want it to get worse or better.

We are so good-looking that we’re too hot for the room. We should spread out.

My hips don’t lie but my feet do.

No one wants your butt hanging out.

I would be a hot mess. Oh wait. I’m already a hot mess.

Come on tits—let’s do this.

Either nut up or shut up.

“I don’t know what’s happening in this photo.”
“I don’t know either but I’m pretty sure it’s not foosball.”

He doesn’t remember much.

You blame Dave Matthews for your homosexuality?

“You’re so smart.”
“I know I am.”

I also need to get a fake axe.

Personally I love me.

It’s just a club. It might be gay.

Look at my little sister talking to both of you doofuses.

I rarely feel underdressed in life.

“I’m hungover.”
“I’m dead.”

Is it too early to order pizza? B and I cannot move.

I’m surprised I don’t fall down more.

“I usually wear a white shirt under this.”
“I usually wear panties and clean clothes but today is a different kind of day.”

Good times will be had. Or are currently being had. Something like that. I like scotch.

“Either way–you’re a chick and there’s gonna be dudes.”
“You’re not just a chick. You’re a chick with looks.”

More people should listen to me.

I’m going to be a bigamist, so I can’t be picky.

We like to see our produce face to face.

Why would you throw socks at me?

Your dream is boring.

So many people should be emaciated from the world.

I know a lot of words. Two of them happen to be “bitter” and “sweet.” Maybe I should make a song.

“The doctor says we are 85% water.”
“So it’s like I’m drinking myself right now.”

People are weird when they’re drunk.

I’m shootin’ for security guard at the bingo house when I get old and decrepit. Lots of tail shufflin’ around on walkers there gettin’ loaded on gin and winnin’ big money.

If Walmart doesnt have wolf t-shirts, who does? What is this world coming to?

She had the world’s worst date with a waiter from there once. If we’re lucky he’ll have to wait on us.

Cell phones are like women. I may love one more than another.

I’ve been on a partying rampage out at the lake. Just drank margaritas with lunch to level out my liver.

“You know, the last time I checked, you can only call a landline from jail. That could be a problem for a lot of us.”
“Yep. Big time. And you don’t hear anyone complaining about it because they are all in jail.”

“You can’t kick someone else’s dog.”
“You can, but you probably can’t be friends with them or go to their house anymore.”

I’ve done some shots with some people lately where I was like, “Seriously?”

I do love the buffet.

I should probably look into brushing my teeth.

I’m a big fan of teleportation. We should work on it.

That guy has enormous eyebrows. And he’s carrying a banana. Into a Tex Mex restaurant. Is that weird?

“Everyone has to be the lurker sometimes.”
“I AM NOT a lurker!”

I’m sorry for everything I did last night.

“Did you know that guy?”
“No. He just looked like he needed a high five.”

She’s 32. She’s not hip anymore.

The glasses are OFF!

I would hire me and pay myself double.

There’s nothing wrong with a Facebook romance.

How did you almost get in a fight in your own apartment with someone you don’t know?

She’s a lot more married than me.

“I will buy you a panda. Who doesn’t like a panda?”
“I think you’re out of time. You need it in like two hours. Are you going to Fedex it from China? You still gotta go next day.”

We had sex in all those rented minivans.

You’ve made my soul hurt.

“I need my interwebs.”
“You’re fucked.”

I’m looking forward to occupying all your professional time.

I think it’s a good idea to test drive after a couple of drinks. Then you can see how the car responds to your drunken maneuvers.

I had to move because there were too many lesbian fights in that neighborhood.

“Warning: there might be boring people at the bar.”
“Okay. We’ll make them fun.”

If you want to stay here and throw the mack down, we don’t have to go.

This might be the best story I’ve ever heard.

“Do you want to borrow my computer to stalk people on Facebook?”
“No, thanks. I already used my phone for that.”

A judge tried to get into my pants once by offering to take me there.

I thought of you when I laid under the car with that guy.

I’m WT, man.

I only a little bit like your train of thought on that.

Give you girls peach vodka and you start kissing at the bar? I like it.

So we only invite you, you, me…I just ran out of people.

This is the thing about boys. It’s kind of like they have a brain but actually…

Penises are gross but still.

Who doesn’t like to make out in public?

Her purse is on the ground. So we’re okay.

There’s nothing to do about it. We’re just ugly. That’s just the way we look.

There are a lot of street dances going on.

Don’t make me feel shitty for your relationship. My guns still rock.

The pimp shows up and he’s on a Rascal.

Speaking of pimps…

It’s a whirlwind of crazy.

This beer has a creamy smooth body. Oh, that’s what I have too.

“What are you drinking?”
“Blonde bombshell.”
“You’re drinking your wife?”

Look at you with the knowledge!

I’m okay with the nibble, but she bit the shit out of me.

You were interesting for a little while.

It’s gonna be a multiple crime scene night. I’m not liking what I’m seeing here.

Honey, I want a palomino or a palmetto–it might be a horse or a roach–whatever it is–I want it.

I defied the laws of physics by sucking and blowing at the same time.

“You want to do me in the butt?”

You three are sisters? You two look sort of alike, but you? You’re the outlier.

I’m willing to bet that sometime in history that someone died by a cow sitting on their face.

I have keys. They aren’t mine. Also, short men can be hung.

Apparently if you don’t kiss you are not cheating. I feel like Julia Roberts.

Jager tastes like Christmas.

This guy is really weird. I don’t want to hook up with him. But I’m in his hotel room. So I will.

I don’t judge people. To their face.

“I woke up bathed in blood.”
“Me too. It wasn’t blood. It was lipstick.”

If I lost you, how did you carry me?

I have to learn not to hit on emos.

“I slept with HIM?”
“He doesn’t have braces anymore.”
“It feels like he does.”

I have seen pillow fights. I know they exist.

I hate feeling like a dirty whore. I am a dirty whore, but I hate feeling like one.

Your apartment normally looks like a crime scene.

There were no hookers or strippers last night. That’s a really good thing.

You don’t have to edit what you don’t fuck up.

It was the crotchal-groinal area.

Don’t worry, I still completely want your body all the time.

Babies in sunglasses melt my cold dead heart.

Madras: it’s like flannel threw up on itself.

“Is that a woman’s shirt–on a man?”
“Yes. With some Native American art. It’s like a dreamcatcher.”

I didn’t like his friend’s head, as you may recall.

Sometimes hate sex is the best sex.

“I really want to make out with him.”
“You do? He’s so tall!”
“That’s okay. We can lay down!”

Thanks for letting us stay. I’m sorry for having sex on your couch.

So, really quickly–about Kid Rock–

I want to make out with a stranger, or with someone I know.

I have a purse full of cash.

This is us on our way to Hairball.

Assassinate is a word you don’t hear often enough.

His wife is dumb like a tractor.

At that place, it’s not even girls stripping. It’s more like they’re marching about angrily.

They’re loving me from a distance…I’ll take what I can get.

This [shaved head] is getting a lot of attention from the gay dudes. Which, at this age, is flattering.

I like to be in control of my toppings.

I used my tongue and got the whole thing down.

Then we went to Side Bar, where they poisoned us.

I’m a multi-faceted drunk.

I don’t know. There may be something inherently wrong with me.

Are you part of the East Texas Taliban?

“I’ll bang her.”
“Yeah, you will.”

I’m a pinball in your machine.

Remember our plan: women are cocaine.

The mullet is coming back in the lesbian community.

Apparently I have a two week expiration date.

“Are you saying you lie to your friends all the time?”
“Oh, definitely.”

I might get drunk enough to twitter.

Let’s finish the story before the whores show up.

Your beer smells worse than my cocktail.

Once you embrace the random noises, the world is your oyster……I’m not really sure what that means.

Dude, I already looped him in. Are you thought policing me?

My official title is “Princess of the Universe.”

Shakira and R-Dub are the only ones who throw down with any real work.

You could be in charge of the globe bar.

We were toying with the idea of a two key system but then we remembered that we’re all drunken lushes and someone would probably just lose one of the keys.

“We are starting a girls only commune.”
“That’s perfect. Men can drop by–by appointment only.”

They made me do tequila. I hope you’re not expecting the night of your life. I want to die.

We can test our B.A.C. in the device my friend bought me.

So you would propose on our first date? I think I would accept.

I hate men. I never wanted to be a man hater but I feel they have left me no choice.

I’m not going out tomorrow unless it’s to a strip club.

Ok. Shiny shirt: check. Gold heels: check. Short shorts. Check. I think I’m ready for breakfast.

You gotta be six feet to ride this ride.

“Well, my sluttiness is available, new boyfriend notwithstanding. He’s too young to get into bars.”

Apparently Christians can be very vengeful.

I’ve had so much sex this week I’m going to take the night off.

I’m the only one here who doesn’t like international men.

If I may fraudulently induce you for a moment…

I’m not gay but your brother is good-looking.

I don’t drink at all and I’m so boring when I don’t drink.

You have a beautiful double name.

“Aaaaand being you is complete. I just left my credit card at the Hilton bar.”
“Did you leave a broken heart as well?”

I. Am. Super. Drunk.

I need to learn about your stages of fun, because there are plenty.

I love playing softball because it’s a fun drunk sport.

I think they want you to have this discussion. That’s why they call it art.

This is the one time I was sober on the whole trip.

If you’re looking for differentiation between classy and trashy, it’s the small ice.

Obviously, I only have sex with one co-worker at a time.

I’m old. You should listen to me. When you turn 40, you should give me a call and I’ll tell you about wine.

I kind of like you when you’re neurotic.

“They have dice.”
“Are they playing Yahtzee?”
“I feel like I’m in Vegas.”

I was told this by a stranger. I believe it.

Nobody is smarter than us.

I’m awesome. Don’t you know this?

I don’t throw people under the bus after midnight.

Here’s the thing about me and people I know–they already know me and they know where the expectations lie. I don’t want to burst your bubble–but you’re probably EXACTLY what they’re expecting.

I don’t have the pockets for that.

Dammit Jim! I’m a lawyer, not a doctor!

I don’t remember what we talked about, but it was fun.

“It’s a hard test.”
“You’re a hard girl.”

My whole life is a lie.

Are you guys on this deadbeat’s tab?

I’m not going to deal with anything less than perfection. I guess that means I might wind up alone.

I can’t believe women date men. We are ugly and weird and gross.

So I went to this naked party. You would not believe how clothes hold in the stench, because those naked people? Were not cute and they smelled. The stench. The stench.

Why are ugly people at Beauty Bar?

Not quite realizing how cute you are is probably your most attractive quality.

When life gives you lemons, make a gin and tonic.

“Wouldn’t it be weird if I said I really wanted kids?”
“Some guys are like that.”
“Yeah, exactly. They’re weird.”

Every night I roofie myself.

Please behave yourselves. I’ve regained my status here as a normal person and I don’t want you to f it up.

Whatever you’re saying….I already know what it is.

So she has a blog where she goes out and drinks a lot, and writes down things idiots say.

Are you filming? Because you might should.

“I like you so much better without pants.”
“Most people do.”

I like the powdered sugar…the way it tickles the corner of my mouth.

He’s a lazy guy with a lazy eye.

“I was just asked if I’ve modeled before.”
“Did you tell her you tried–just not professionally?”

You always have to cover your tracks when you’re a terribly shady person.

I wouldn’t wish this life on anyone.

I’m a slut and a very bad fiancée, but I’m not a liar.

Let me go check my syrup.

You can’t say, “This is my magi, and this is his friend Shakira.”

“We have to go to the best place in town.”
“Yeah, we do! Where is that?”

I’m a totally functioning alcoholic.

What do you do for money? Strip? I’d totally buy a lap dance from you.

You have the best eyebrows I’ve ever seen. If Catherine Zeta Jones and Angelina Jolie f*cked and made a baby, that’s what you look like.

“What’s wrong with your shirt collar?”
“It’s artful dishevelment. What? It’s a thing.”

My two girls help keep me steady cocktailin’, but keep me from full blown drunk.

“You were dancing there? I don’t think that’s a big dance place.”
“It’s not at all, actually.”

Alcoholic fruit: you can really never go wrong with that: it’s healthy AND a party in your mouth.

“He’s on vocals. You’re on guitar.”
“But I can’t play the guitar.”
“So what? It’s a fake band.”

If there’s not a techno remix of “Pour Some Sugar On Me”, we should make one.

You don’t know about the potential for spiky douche hair.

“We’re stronger in numbers.”
“Yes, you’re bitchier in numbers.”

I feel like you can make any place into a leg guitar place.

Just don’t get your emotion on me.

I’m a little scared of you. You know things about fun.

My ass is full of science.

“I’m gonna tackle your bitch.”
“What does that even mean?”

“What’s the address here?”
“536 Bone Me.”

Put some ‘sporin on it–neo, poly, whatevs.

I love your moleskin.

Who marries that?

I don’t even know where to put my finger.

You should be a cigarette model.

Girls like it when you ask if they’re menstruating.

I didn’t touch anyone inappropriately.

I’m a Facebook simpleton.

Where’s my wristlet?

“I feel like when someone is whistling, it’s all about them.”
“Yeah, I feel like humming is the same way.”

What were we doing in the 80s? I mean, the casseroles?

You’re hot in the sun because you have a beautiful mane.

If you’re tired, add butter. It makes everything go down easier.

If I had some crack, I could get laid tonight.

If you’ve had two dirty, stick with the dirty.

“Give me a month. I’ll have her looking like Kim Kardashian.”
“What are you going to do?”
“Keep her from throwing up.”

I got a lot of problems in life. Not being “bad enough” is not one of them.

Hey–what are you guys talking about at your end of the table? We’re talking about sperm and eggs.

“You look good.”
“Oh stop–I look the same as always.”
“Right. You look good.”

I destroyed him last Sunday. Mexican martinis.

We were there to kill people.

“I can’t wait for tomorrow.”
“Because I get better looking every day.”

“My liver is mad at me.”
“What? Your lover?”

You’re from Maryland—you should be able to drunk drive.

I am just one man but I can do lots of things.

It is a virtue to admit when one is drunk.

She’s sober. Imagine what she’s like drunk.

You have a side boob thing going on.

I’m the most responsible alcoholic you know.

Do you remember how bad that place smelled? It was like vomit and feces.

I’m not a great listener. I mean—not all the time.

I don’t want to say I’ve taken them under my wing, but I’ve taken them under my wing.

“She’s from Philly.”
“Oh, that explains it.”

All sayings cross-stitched on pillows were initiated by me.

Check your email! I signed us up for pole dancing lessons!

I’m just sayin’…when I was 25, I had given a few BJs.

Did I wind up in a time machine on the way to the wedding?

Half my underwear isn’t actually mine. It’s stolen from ex-boyfriends.

We’ve been drinking since we walked in this place.

I feel like a fat face in this thing.

That guy is struggling with the idea he’s balding.

Why can’t you EMOTE!?

I love tuxes. I would wear one every day if I could.

We’ll be right back. We’re going to discuss how bad I fucked this up.

You’re going to write a story about me because I’m awesome.

Finger chili? What is finger chili? Is it chili made out of fingers?

So, English guy wins dance competition. Bar must have been set lower than a snake’s luggage.

Me and my mate proceed to get fucking hammered.

My girlfriend is going to care if it’s broken.

I think the jackass factor is going to be pretty low.

I’m having a lot of fun when your finger is not in my butt.

But, you’re so pretty. It’s really hard for the ugly girls.

Hey, play music, not shit.

I’m addicted to this gum because it tastes like baby aspirin.

Those boots suck so much they are awesome.

Look at the homoeroticity going on right now.

I was a complete wastoid all night, and HE ends up with a broken collarbone.

Thank God for hangovers. Otherwise I’d be an alcoholic.

He wants to see your merkin.

I’m getting kicked off the island….but I’m making MY OWN island.

I feel like I can channel you…not in a gay way, but in a straight way.

Is EVERYONE playing the role of cock block tonight?

You have no idea how gay I act.

You get your own fuckin’ mother!

“That guy is awesome.”
“Really? In what way?”

The Northeast bias…it’s real. Get used to it.

Even if I could blow myself, I wouldn’t. Do you want to know why? Because then I would have a cock in my mouth.

Jacking off in space!

“Cursive is so gay.”
“Well, yeah, your cursive is gay.”

Who has the funniest sister ever?

There’s no right or wrong way to pee on someone.

I’ll show you my pink monkey.

“You know what they say about men with big watches?”
“They have bad eyesight.”

People like Cuban cigars because they’re like the girl you can’t get.

Every whore in Bangkok plays Connect Four.

You can’t be a total whore all the way through your twenties and then get picky.

Why are you not more famous?

“Surprisingly, I don’t feel that fat.”
“Really? Because I’m looking at your face.”

I tell you what I would do, if it wouldn’t make me look like an alcoholic, which I strongly believe I’m not – I’d get an air purifier.

All conference line voices should be hot chicks or James Earl Jones.

I’m glad that’s over so I can drink like a normal person tonight.

Forty is the new fifty.

As a totally heterosexual man, I don’t think he’s good-looking.

If I ever got single again, I would be all over a 19-year-old.

You can’t put a pricetag on memories.

You know how many times I’ve been making out with a girl and she says, “I have a boyfriend”?

I have a general “no spitting on cabbies” policy.

You don’t Facebook at this hour! You text!

We blew our endorphins out.

I’ve been asleep more than I’ve been awake this year.

I don’t go to adjectives–like Plush.

People look way different on poles.

All wine is out of the crisper!

“I need to find my soul. Shit. I’m so hungover I can’t see.”
“I heard that if you set your soul free and it comes back to you, you can keep it all year. Or something.”

We’re not ghetto; we’re dedicated.

Don’t correct everything she says in the story—or we’ll be here all night.

“Does this beer taste like bacon to you?”
“Not bacon but there is an aftertaste of meat.”

Crap. My Scotch tape hem is coming out.

Do any of you have hydrogen peroxide handy?

“It’s hard to swallow when you’re upside down.”
“That’s what she said.”

Is this a hooker convention?

Ready to tear a hole in space-time tonight?

Facebook has taught me many lessons….I mean, if I haven’t seen or talked to you in two years, there’s a reason.

I live in a regime created by an HOA of terrorists.

Holy shit I’m funny.

Goodness. We’ve got a good mess here.

You’re going to make him famous–for generally being an idiot.

Your charm would grow like a mushroom.

This needle is gonna go in your butt.

We should drink more often.

I had an incident with a cow.

“The iPhone is a requirement.”
“A requirement for what?”
“For everything.”

It’s been a pleasure bull-shitting you.

You licked my head.

Let me grip you.

“We may look smart, but we’re not.”
“Actually, you don’t look smart.”

“When I said I would give Xanax to the baby by suffocating it, that might have been over the top.”
“Yeah, you pushed some boundaries.”

“It’s too early to think about what?”

If you don’t play footsie, you’re not passionate about life.

Without that accent, you’d just be another schmuck.

You think I’m cool. Wait till you meet my sister. She’s ten times cooler than me.

Basically, we agreed to be friends for life.

I’m not all that worried about losing my hair. I have very few nice features, but I have a nicely-shaped skull.

I save all my binges for things ending in “-ito.”

I’m tired of your hotness going to waste.

Wow! That girl would be really pretty if she weren’t so ugly!

Gravy is the glue that holds everything together. It’s like a food hug.

If I were gay, I’d be the gayest man on Earth. I don’t know what that means exactly.

I may exhibit some cheeseball qualities but I am not, at heart, a cheeseball.

After a couple of drinks, I’m either getting naked or going home.

When was the last time a man had a perm?

Onion trunk: one that looks so sweet it will bring tears to your eyes.

Damn. Forgot my gay hat.

Oh, I’m so glad MJ is on the playlist–I almost forgot he died.

I call it the flying sausage. There are only dudes in there.

I think Oscar is on quaaludes.

Where do the single ladies want to go tonight? Besides my house, I mean.

Unfortunately, the sauce is hard on the body.

Whoever made corn on the cob is the best. I guess that means I have to give props to God.

I love de-friending. It makes me feel powerful. “Take that, bitches!”

Alcohol: it’s legal and cool.

I was one liquored up whore.

I don’t believe in water at the bar.

Anna Nicole Smith was crazy–God rest her soul.

“Is that a transvesite?”
“No, but that’s a dress you start and finish business in.”

I didn’t come out to see ugly people.

If my sister got fat just walked in.

We ordered room service four times during the afterparty last Saturday. It adds a lot to the event. Drunk people are more than willing to pay $20 for food.

“I can’t believe The Swayze outlived Farrah and MJ.”
“I bet he’s waiting for his own news day. Farrah got robbed.”

Hugs are great starting points.

You wanna be nice but not too nice. So when alcohol is involved…shit is fucked up, dude.

He’s like royalty or some shit.

I’ll gay it up. I’m not afraid.

“Does he have a little crush on me?”
“Yeah, I think so.”
“But he’s only seen me once.”
“That’s all it takes with you.”

Liberty or death. My motto.

White people probably should not dance.

Even though we were high, I was sure we would remember the songs.

“Is a song about squirrel juice happy or slow?”
“I think songs about squirrel juice are typically sad.”

Leishe. It’s a verb form of leisure.

Is ass a flavor?

Oh, you don’t remember. You were on the brink of alcohol poisoning.

“Your parents are mean.”
“No, they’re just Danish.”

“Colonoscopy, then vasectomy.”
“Sounds like a trip to Bangkok.”

This bar reminds me of you.

I’m surprised I’m not more drunk right now.

Every time I hear your name I think of my dad. But I’m pretty sure my dad didn’t do half the things you did.

I am prejudiced against chardonnay.

You always gotta be a little careful with the Brazilians–they are a little mafioso. And these are Jewish Brazilians, so you know.

You know you love it even though you don’t love it because it makes you think of me.

Goodbye hangover! See you tomorrow around one!

“But, why was I crying?”
“Because it was really SAD, dude!”

I’m not into flesh-peddling.

If you got hookers in your neighborhood, then I can afford the rent.

Pre-emptive bitch strike!

I ALWAYS smell like mustard.

I haven’t showered in four days–I just get up and swim.

You know what I like about you? And don’t try to deny you have this quality. Your sensitivity.

But men still have to be trained, so it’s not like I got a free cupcake or something.

Someone is really farty around here.

You’re so skinny, you’re all titties and ribs.

That exam was the single worst experience of my life. I would rather be water boarded.

Dude…”Holy Beer Milkshake” is the funniest e-mail subject line ever.

She’s not fat–she’s confused.

Bless you, my fiancé, for you have sneezed.

I’m like, “This ain’t my first rodeo, girls.”

All of my shirts are shaped like shirts. Yours are…not.

“Are you substituting sausage intake for missed liaisons with your man?”
“Well, they were mini sausages so there is certainly no connection from those to my big man!”

I have a love compass. Maybe you find that amusing.

I can masturbate to history if I want to. It’s old, it’s historical, and it doesn’t threaten you.

Speaking of dick tricks…

Never run down the street while wearing a tube top. Trust me.

Beer before liquor…I’m drunk.

“I licked you–are you mad?”
“Quit being a freak.”

Pipe down while I molest you.

I will be bringing the pain the whole time.

I don’t know–you’re the band geek.

I’m into these guys, but not into the gay thing.

Take another drink, Boozy.

Move on, Cap’n Crazy.

Face time with Cheney means buckshot.

Merry Christmas. We’re about to walk the tab.

Selling ice cream is non-threatening capitalism.

“What is it?”
“Told you it was weird.”

We are the best-looking straight couple here.

How tough can a cop be in a Dodge Neon?

If the shit goes down, get me an abogado and get me the fuck out of here.

The litmus test for whether or not something looks ridiculous: if you knew me and didn’t like me, would you laugh at me?

Not coming here with my mom; not coming here as a mom.

You speak directly to my loins.

In our generation, the crowning moment of achieving your identity is figuring out what you are offended by.

Six-three and 270 pounds of Texas flag—that’s my grandpa.

I’m fucked up dude. Leave me alone.

We should have a tongue-off!

The Koreans don’t care.

How am I going to make it through the weekend without my moleskin?

I’m all Jay Leno and shit. What’s up with my chin?

Mojo-wise, I think we’re covered.

I hate Sandra Bullock. I wish she would be lit on fire and run over.

Why do the Germans wear their pants so high? I can see all their garbage.

There’s nothing wrong with getting a little beauty under your belt.

He’s square…like he doesn’t swing.

And then I said, “Are we gonna have sex or what?”

Hey. I think you’re drunk.

People vie for my friendship.

Faces, people, facts, math…they get me down.

We got fucked up like a football bat.

I think he was trying to dance with this girl but it didn’t look like dancing at all.

You’re never too old for a beer bong.

I never would have thought the rocket scientists would make the rednecks look smart.

Sunlight is like terror–you have to be vigilant against it.

I hate this song. It’s about quitting drinking, and that’s the saddest thing I can think of.

Having a baby is the new black.

I love my harmonica fantasy.

Nobody wants a Swoop Moratorium.

He didn’t want do it. He wanted to talk.

Mailing is hard. Unless it’s email.

That mustard is deceptive.

Big dick. Big problems.

I would say I’m going to miss you too, but I don’t believe in an afterlife. So I’ll just be dead.

I’m very verbose; I can’t really be funny in four words.

I was ambushed by your hotness.

You don’t want to start the day flipping off your husband.

You forget you’re so beautiful because you’re so busy being you.

Where my bastards at?

Just taking the ladies for the conjugals.

“Do you remember the Jack Wagner album I used to play all the time when we were kids?”
“Yes. How could I not remember the line, The glow of your cigarette is liiiikkke a shooooting star? The man was a lyrical wizard.”

I’m kinda slutty.

We should start a dating service! We could call it “Just Add Alcohol!” Hmmm….probably a lot of liabilities there.

Am I thinking about my liver? Hell no, I don’t care about my liver.

We gotta jump on this mine for her.

Poor Fabio, with nothing better to do than masturbate for tourists.

Welcome to motherhood, sister.

It’s really hard to get revenge on a dog.

I’ll smoke myself into the grave.

I’ve known some Texas men, and they keep a tight rein on their wives.

It’s not like it’s magic. It’s technology.

We’re told this is the place where Charles Dickens wrote. At some point, it doesn’t matter anymore.

Sometimes we all want to be happy.

Do I have to think of myself as a victim?

We discuss the pros and cons of teleportation. Tin foil, teleportation zones, body parts in the wrong place.

Thunderbird and Vicodin: a winning combination.

The spaghetti strap is sexier and can also result in more skin being shown due to a lack of structure.

You’ve never seen anything more psychotic than a future mother-in-law.

With you guys, dinner is always an event.

11:30 is lame. I look too smokin’ hot to go home.

Don’t you love when an inital set transcends marriage and singledom?

I’m screwing a lot of things right now.

What do you think it says about people who have aquariums?

You’re not a bad Texan. You’re just not a great Texan–yet. Which is hard to do, because there are a lot of great Texans.

When you roll with P, you roll in style.

I can’t play. Apparently I’m being prohibited.

It’s an evil machine.

“I’m sorry this happened to you.”
“That’s truckin’.”

That’s what happens when you’re just hanging out having sex.

You just quoted Milli Vanilli. Without irony.

Would you like Fabio to masturbate for you?

It’s all tricks.

We gross everyone out with our schmooping.

At least we can say we got laid at a swingers party!

Despite his not having legs and the fact we used someone else’s legs, he beat us here.

Carne Guisado. It’s for men.

What kind of a goat fuck operation are you running down there?

One of my lesser friends at work–I can’t even remember him right now.

Nobody wants to specialize in sucking.

Light up buttercup!

“Just love me.”
“I’m trying.”

I’m a huge fan of the jet pack.

“You can’t love what you don’t know.”
“I love everything except what I don’t love.”

I do shave my chest.

She wants to be a party planner for a living. I just want to party.

It’s midnight. Can I snuggle you?

Tom Cruise is a stupid little man.

It’s too hot for hookin’.

We just might be bitches.

Why are you all treating me like a drunk?

What the fuck is the internet?

Splash down. I got his ass.

She’s got that look in her eyes—like I’m a whore.

I’m rubbing elbows, bunny.

You better under perform your ass off.

This is one of the bands from the 80s that doesn’t suck.

Anything noble I’ve said is way gone from the short term memory.

When my shit falls off, then we’ll know.

We are looking fabulous this evening. We should take more pictures.

They call me The Spoon. I stir things up.

Northern efficiency and Southern hospitality: I live on the equator.

No, I’m not mad. I’m consciously trying not to puke right now.

If you want hepatitis, go to the bathroom here.

“Open Arms” will be played at my wedding.

It’s either my ass or my boobs—both of which are fantastic.

Why is everything wet?

Get your legs off my chair. You’re acting like a drunk asshole.

Beer and liquor: it’s not just for cooking.

The ante must be upped.

It’s a shame for them that we’re taken.

Girls, we’re all too old to puke on the street.

You don’t even want to try because you don’t give that much of a fuck.

I’m a left-handed person in a right-handed world.

I’m staring scandalous in the face.

Beware of tall women—they might be men.

Paris Hilton has huge feet. She’s like Big Foot but not hairy.

Russian planes crash because all pilots are drunk on vodka.

Hey, his tits are wet. That’s his Indian name.

I know how to identify a wood.

“There was this guy who got let out prison because he had a perpetual hard on. It was in Czechloslovakia or something.”
“That’s why they let him out of prison?”
“Okay, I made that part up.”

Whatever. It’s not like it raises my numbers.

Amazing. Low-rise jeans can make anyone look fat.

“I’ve never seen you look prettier than tonight.”
“Wow. Because I usually look damn pretty.”

It’s not like I sit around all day eating bon-bons and waiting for your ass to call.

There is no commentary on my dysfunction.

I don’t want to go through life winded.

“It’s true…well, it’s almost true.”
“It’s more like True’s next door neighbor, Mrs. McLie.”

“It’s really easy.”
“Yeah, it’s sleazy easy.”
“That’s our motto in the archive.”

“You look tired!”
“You look fat!”

Let’s go to upscale bars and tell guys we’re marine biologists.

We’re gonna read the shit out of that bitch’s books.

If we took an iron to you we couldn’t get a straight answer.

You know I always wake up racially intolerant when I’m hungover.

This place is one assistant manager away from becoming Lord of the Flies.

My shit is wrecked.

Every time I almost forgot I was in a third world country the lights went out.

How alluring is “Blunt Party at 12:30 on a Monday” to people who have to work tomorrow?

If you’re fat, I’m a chubby chaser.

That’s very offensive. Which is exactly what I’ll tell the clerk at the porn store when I buy it.

You don’t want to die with a ball in your mouth.

She swang a little bit.

She does have great tits. Like me.

I’m a natural born nipper.

“Hookin'” is one of my favorite verbs.

The small secret that keeps giving–but only for a little while.


Common sense is making a comeback.

She’s dangerous because she doesn’t seem crazy.

I’m so versatile on the whole race thing.

The only musical I like is South Park: The Movie.

I just get in where I fit in.

Back when I was idealistic–when I was 20.

Being a waiter is like a mind fuck.


He’s like me if I actually became something.

I have many talents. Unfortunately, most of them don’t belong on a resume.

Don’t sweat anything petty and don’t pet anything sweaty.

Suck on it, Frenchie.

“This is my first time skiing with a buzz.”
“Let’s keep that to ourselves.”

“Are we drunk?”
“I don’t know.”

“I want twelve inches!”
“That’s what your wife said.”

We just debated the proper spelling of Deion.

The most believable architechtural stone veneer IN THE WORLD…now, that’s a mission statement.

Once upon a time, I couldn’t say the word…penis.

Working out is not really working out for me.

Raising Arizona: it’s not only a cinematic triumph, but a cultural benchmark for America.

There’s nothing funny about having a personal assistant on the set of Beverly Hills Ninja to keep you off crack.

Austin Interfaith: It’s like the Voltron of God’s Fan Clubs.

After a few days of drinking, smoking, gambling and screwing hookers, you just want to see a panda.

You know I can’t talk with this thing in my mouth.

I like a good penis joke.

That’s a hustle I need to get into!

“Sorry, it’s a little big.”
“That’s ok, I like it big.”

“Sometimes the f-word is the most appropriate response. You just have to say ‘FUCK!'”
“Yeah Mom, I have to agree.”

I’m really depressed. You better come over and sex me up.

“Why does your phone play that porn music?”
“It’s my theme song.”

I’m not big on other governments.

I don’t know if anyone else humps as earnestly as we do.

Do I hear a slurricane blowing in?

I don’t know who’s putting together the yearbook around here, but they’re lucky we’re in it.

I don’t kiss douches…anymore.

Will you smoke it with me? Or, at least, suck on it?

Then you “vosotros” the shit out of everybody.

I’m sorry—is my cock blocking your view?

All the Irish in the house say, “yeah.”

It’s a little move I like to call: “Penis Flytrap.”

“Do you think the rain’s blown over?”
“You got blown over.”

“Do you like being petted?”
“Mmmhmmm. I like heavy petting.”

I’m going to wreak hammock.

Couple of hot 70s zombies. They’re fembots.

Sexual tension meets Catholic guilt.

“You need some cizash?”
“You can throw some bones if you want. Got a tenner?”

Your lion will try to eat my monkey.

I mean, with that last one, I think dust came out.

We are the International Couple of Intrigue.

Is it my keen sense of irony or my scathing wit?

See packaging for details about performance benefits.

Though I rollerskate, I’m straight.

Ghostbusters? It was the intersection of soundtrack and characters. It was a cultural booyah.

It doesn’t mean I’m not funny; it just means that you’re stupid.

They just let the government out for Christmas.

Now I can forge ahead with my lamp-collecting.

I’m the muthfucka who fuckin’ makes the muthfuckin’ rulz around here.

Back off, state lady!

If I can’t tell whether or not you’re a boy or a girl, don’t talk to me while I figure it out.

Let’s celebrate the day we stole this land from the Native Americans.

I’ve got God on my side. You’re wrong.

It’s dangerous with the D.

I’m dumb. She’s smart. The wine is good.

When there’s so much to admire, it takes a while.

I’ve done some heavy street-walking in my day.

The liquor: she makes me angry.

I didn’t know NASCAR was popular in Colorado.

I get props for my story-telling.

This ain’t no rap video.

I don’t have a good side. It all looks great.

I think waterfalls are faster than cannonballs.

You ain’t never seen no jihad like this.

Not everything on the napkin makes the cut.

Those W stickers are the hipper side of evil.

“How are you?”
“I’m drunk.”
“Me dos. That’s Spanish.”

The martini…she is no friend of mine.

How is Miss Priss married to Mr. Porn?

“I love your freckles. They up your A.Q.”
“Um, thanks. What’s A.Q.?”
“Adorable Quotient.”

I have an amazing memory for a pothead.

Yeast converts sugar into goodness.

I’m no longer dating people in your neighborhood.

There are a lot of people who aren’t qualified to hang out with me.

I feel wicked. Wicked good.

But hey, as long as I can get tanked, I’m all over it.

We did the Walk of Shame together.

It’s the subtle magic. You plant the seed, you walk away…and if it grows, it’s yours.

They haven’t even started playing my jams yet.

“We’re going to hell.”
“That’s OK. We can carpool.”

I didn’t have time to comb my hair so I figured I’d distract everyone with cleavage.

He’s just fun to touch!

I’m not getting naked with you if you’re not a good kisser.

I got all Nancy Drew on his ass.

“He just doesn’t have the emotional tools.”
“Yeah. He is a tool.”

My theory on the thong underwear: if it’s going to end up in my ass, it might as well start there. Plus, there’s no VPL.

I like to have an array of beverages and candy available to me at all times.

He was my dirtiest first date ever!

I love making fun of other people; it makes me feel more self-confident.

The penis is confounding.

Dude, you know I’ve been jonesing to knit.

Where’s the hater I know and love?

Hey Toto, we’re not in Stepford anymore! Grow the fuck up.

If you meet a really nice chick and she’s fat, you can help her go to the gym. But you can’t fix a bad laugh.

Dammit Jim I’m a drinker not a doctor!

“How fucked up is that?”
“That’s way fucked up.”
“I don’t know where I’m going with this, but it’s fucked up.”

He was taking a bath and getting high.

We need to talk about your drinking because if this becomes a problem, I don’t want you to have to quit.

He’s interesting but boring. I didn’t think that was possible.

I want to beat my head against a wall until I’m numb.

“If you need a ride home, there’s a little bitch seat on my scooter…wait, I might need the bitch seat.”
“Be careful. It’s slippery out there.”

And then the doors of hell opened up and I walked in.

He has issues and I’m not subscribing.

Dude, keep it in your pants for 45 seconds!

Better a smartass than a dumbass.

I love condiments: ketchup and salsa especially.

Jesus fucking Christ! I deserve an affair!

My book of cool is kind of outdated.

I am Le Bitch.

That was a disposable shag.

Funny? He’s like sand in your bathing suit.

What are you doing in here, selling meat?

So I stood up on the stool and leaned over and asked him, “Are these jeans too tight?”

You hit it and quit it.

I’m a good kisser. It’s because I have sensitive lips.

Yeah. He was a bed-wetter.

I’m big in the UK right now.

He’s sort of cute, but he’s just not hittin’ it.

What hoochie outfit do I want to purchase?

“Your bed is comfortable.”
“Yeah, everyone says that.”

You are pure evil.

Never say, “I’m drunk.” Say: “I’ve been drinking.”

I don’t remember 99% of the things you say.

A half Portuguese, half black gay guy? There’s a scholarship in there somewhere.

“Do you play disc golf?”
“No, I don’t smoke pot.”

Central Market doesn’t sell cigarettes. Elitists.

What’s a vacuum dancer?

I hate the Lap Sit and the Group Clap.

He is NOT my big daddy.

Don’t invite Ted and Lucille! They ruin every party!

What liquor goes with Mr. Pibb?

The Pleasure Pack. Yeah, it’s the purple package…right there…no, to your left.

“This just isn’t working.”
“What, us? Or your diet?”

“What’s your sign?”
“Danger. Keep off.”

You are weak and easily led. Or is it easily laid?

Mmm….he takes direction well!

Dime by dime I’m breaking them down.

Not all of us have your charisma, my friend.

“We’re all…”
“I was going to say ‘open’.”

People in Colorado are the ones too pussy to make it to California.

I saw your freckles from three feet away.

I think my job is turning me into a wino.

You’re going to check out my ass when I get of this car, aren’t you?

There is no off on the genius switch.

He’s boastful about being in the neon business—it’s gonna be all about neon.

I’m not losing my hair – I know exactly where it is.

“Your web is expanding!”
“Yes, I have a man in every port.”

Oh, grow a vagina and make some plans!

She lives in an intricate little glass house now, doesn’t she?

He’s sending me a GIGANTIC package.

Shut up, Ted.

You’ve had sex with the hottest man alive!

I don’t trust people who don’t watch TV.

“Come here and have some of the contraband.”
“Where is it?”
“Right here between my legs.”

My shit’s unreal—I leave it on the floor—that’s where it stays.

Bullshit no more in 2004.

This cigarette is low-carb.

“She would have kicked our collective ass.”
“Which isn’t really all that big.”
“Quite nice, actually.”

You wear a rug?

We’re Fantaholics. They’re going to have to do an intervention. No more Fanta for us!

If you shave the pubes, please maintain. No girl wants the spiky on her ass.

“Where’s your new boyfriend?”
“Singing on a table with some guy.”
“I think your new boyfriend is gay.”

How can I sleep with such magnificent breasts in my face?

If there’s one constant in my life, it is the universal appeal and unwavering appreciation for my ass.

It’s an urban satchel, dammit.

Everything is bigger in Texas.

“I don’t feel like I have all my stuff.”
“That’s because you gave it away last night.”

You’re Mr. Cocky Pants! And I’m not talking about THAT. I mean, you’re confident.

I’m easy. But I’m not that easy.

I don’t have a chip on my shoulder. It’s a potato wedge.

I’m not playing hard to get. I just can’t be gotten.

The Brits are ballsy—and handsy.

They get run out of town because they’re friggin’ wackjobs.

There are as many English people around the world as there are in England.

Confidence is the new hot ass.

We’re like the Monkees, the Mamas and the Papas and the Beatles…only hotter.

So many men. So little recollection.

Nobody wants to give a New Year’s kiss to the girl whose hacking cough reminds them of Grandpa. Go Figure.

I didn’t know how I’d feel about you, but I KNOW I like lipstick.

That’s not the ‘hood. The ‘hood is where they throw chicken bones at you.

I’m taking Gene Simmons home for you.

Dude, run with me.

Of course I know where Latvia is…right near Estonia. I’m like a drunk walking atlas.

I’m going home, where the whiskey’s just as good and the company’s better.

My driving style is a little unorthodox.

I’m going to put that on a sampler. Just as soon as I find out what a sampler is.

Marlon Brando? UGH!! That fat bastard should keep it in his pants.

Dude, I spy a mohullet…half mohawk, half mullet.

Eggrolls are neat, but not really an egg or a roll. Hmmm. I’m on cold medicine.

Uh-oh, be careful on that couch. There might be a little change left over from the money shot.

Man, my aerobics instructor is hitting on everybody!

A big cat can kill you, but a little pussy never hurt.

J-Lo? Don’t go away mad. Just go away.

She just comes over for a little bang-bang.

That bean curd shit sho’ is funny!

I mean, it’s not like you can’t have self-esteem if you’re ugly; it’s just harder.

The angle of the dangle is directly proportional to the mass of the ass.

My feet are in their prime.

“Hey, Movie Buff, what’s up?”
“I’m just in shock and awe, man.”

I’ve hung out with law school students….and they tend to talk about law school.

The record stands at FIVE unanswered phone calls. You know who you are. GIVE UP.

If I had a call phone, I’d cell somebody.

Penis Non Grata.

I’m too executive for you. (huh?)

“Are we repelling the men with our singing?”
“Yes, sing louder!

You whiskey whore!

I know a shitload of librarians.

That would cause my list to double!

Paging Mr. McBigcock, Paging Mr. McBigcock.

You’ll never have me and Gigi but you’ll always have nice hair.

No couples damn it! Go off and do your own happy shit out of my face.

I have to go comb and fluff my furry shirt.

I KNEW you were a great lay!

I. Am. So. Funny.

I’m so ripped from the Jager!

Only classy men purchase Jager shots for the ladies!

Hmmm….yeah…we must share our vices.

Your lips are like a waterbed.

…or maybe I am just that great in the sack! Yeah, I bet that’s it.

Oh wait….there’s a poetic shaman in Dallas. Too far to be a reliable booty call.

You must be an only child…because you’re so….into yourself.

There’s a A MIRROR ON THE CEILING! I’m telling you, you haven’t lived till you’ve see the Above-the-Bed Reflection. It might be my best angle.

I’m going to bed that man!

Hey a Christian non-drinker might not be bad. All that repression might make him an animal in the sack. Anyway…he could also be good for driving you home from bars, and you’d have your Sunday mornings to yourself. Nice!

Partying with G&S is well worth the hangover!