9.26.2018 <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I am raising three sons.\u00a0 Man, just typing that made me tired. It is not easy and I worry constantly that I\u2019m not doing it well or that I could be doing better.\u00a0 I feel like I get things right about fifty percent of the time.\u00a0 And I suppose the other half can be classified as \u201clearning experiences.\u201d\u00a0 \u00a0Oh yes, learning experiences a-plenty, every day!\u00a0 And I\u2019m not even halfway through their childhood.\u00a0 There is no chance in hell that I\u2019m going to give up caffeine in the next 10 years.\u00a0 Please feel free to send Starbucks gift cards my way.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u00a0I have an overarching goal in my parenting:\u00a0I\u2019m trying my absolute best not to raise assholes.\u00a0 World, you\u2019re welcome!\u00a0My boys know I have high standards\u2026not for cleanliness (don\u2019t come over if a clean floor is on your \u201cmust haves\u201d list)\u00a0but for many other things.\u00a0 For example, two of my children are able to communicate with me by text these days, and as\u00a0everyone knows I do not appreciate texts with bad grammar and stupid texting language.\u00a0\u00a0My boys know that they better fix their spelling and under no circumstances are they allowed to \u201cK\u201d me.\u00a0\u00a0I know it\u2019s not how everybody feels, but I do and that is the way I want to be treated. I have made that clear.\u00a0Stupid texting language is a smack to my eyeballs.\u00a0 Be better or don\u2019t text me.\u00a0 It\u2019s a boundary I have set and so far they respect it.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019ve always set boundaries with them.\u00a0 I think when you care about someone, it is important let them know how you want to be treated.\u00a0 And learning to respect people\u2019s boundaries is one of life\u2019s more important skills. My kids were never allowed to demand things from me.\u00a0 If they demanded, they did not receive.\u00a0 From the time they were toddlers, I expected them to say \u201cplease\u201d if they asked me for something and \u201cthank you\u201d\u00a0after I gave it to them.\u00a0 They might be loud and crazy little hooligans, but they damn well better be polite little\u00a0hooligans.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t want them to think I was their personal servant, just because I was their mother.\u00a0 I want it to be clear that I am a separate person from them and while I am happy to help them and do things for them, they need to show appreciation and not entitlement.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0I\u2019m also no nonsense when it comes to talking about or touching other people\u2019s bodies.\u00a0 I\u2019ve made sure that my kids know that their bodies belong to them and other people\u2019s bodies belong to other people.\u00a0 That you don\u2019t get into someone\u2019s space or touch them without permission. That you can tell people when you don\u2019t want a hug and they can tell you the same.\u00a0 This does not prevent them from trying to beat the crap out of each other multiple times a day, but apparently they are more respectful of the space and bodies of their peers. It\u2019s not a total win, but it\u2019s not a loss! <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019ve also tried to hammer home the point that one\u2019s commentary on someone else\u2019s body or looks is unnecessary and not good conversation.\u00a0 I am mindful to not make careless remarks about other people\u2019s looks or weight around my sons.\u00a0 They know that I think that jokes about someone\u2019s looks are stupid and that people who make those jokes are trying to deflect from their own poor self esteem.\u00a0 And that poor self esteem is probably warranted because they don\u2019t know how to carry on a good conversation or tell a funny joke.\u00a0 I want them to be better than that.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019m thinking of all of this as I try to figure out how and why so many men seem stunned that women\u2019s bodies are not there for the taking or for their inspection and critique. And they are shocked and dismayed that women are speaking up about this and deeming it unacceptable. How on earth did they not know this?\u00a0 \u00a0And what does this mean for me, when raising sons?\u00a0 If so many men are surprised that we women do not enjoy being groped in the middle of a conversation or that we wouldn\u2019t be thrilled to see their penises at work or that hearing denigrating comments about women\u2019s bodies is insulting to all of us, does that mean that at some point my sons will be shocked by this too?\u00a0 Or is society changing so much that they will see girls and women as equals?\u00a0 There are still school dress codes that are geared toward female students\u2019 attire, under the assumption that even today\u2019s boys have so little self control that they will not be able to learn if they see a girl\u2019s collar bone or too much of her leg or *GASP* a bra strap.\u00a0 \u00a0I expect better from my sons.\u00a0 It is natural to want to look at people you find attractive or interesting, but then you need to move your eyes to your school work and get on with it, because that\u2019s what you are there for and your classmates do not exist for your ogling.\u00a0 Don\u2019t be a creepy asshole.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019ve been hearing about a lot of people who feel that #metoo has turned into a witch hunt and that it\u2019s ruined romantic interactions between men and women.\u00a0 Obviously, I don\u2019t agree.\u00a0 Women don\u2019t want to be treated in a subhuman way. This doesn\u2019t mean that all women no longer want to interact romantically with men, it means we don\u2019t want to be considered prey anymore.\u00a0 We are not targets, we are people and we have our own boundaries, needs and desires and we\u2019d like them to be heard and respected.\u00a0 Instead of whining about the unfairness of it all, a mature response might be to look at your own behavior.\u00a0 I wish that everyone would ask themselves some key questions: How have you treated other people when you wanted something from them?\u00a0 How do you talk about other people and their bodies and their sexuality?\u00a0 Has the word \u201cslut\u201d or some other derogatory term come out of your mouth when you were talking about a girl or woman? (I suppose you could say this about a boy or man, but let\u2019s be realistic, these terms are meant to denigrate women.) Have you touched someone in a way that was unwelcome?\u00a0 Did you immediately stop at that point or did you continue?\u00a0 Have you tried to coerce someone into sex when they were telling you verbally or non-verbally that they were not interested in having sex with you? Were you paying attention to what they wanted?\u00a0 Did you care? Because you should, if you don\u2019t want to be an asshole!\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n
If you aren\u2019t a\u00a0predatory\u00a0creep (and let\u2019s throw caution to the wind and assume that most people aren\u2019t) then it really comes down to: 1) Treating everyone as if they were a separate human being from you and therefore knowing that they have their own needs and desires that may not match yours. 2) Paying attention to that person\u2019s words and actions and responses to you.\u00a0 3) Caring about what that person\u2019s words and actions mean, even if it disappoints you and is the opposite of your wishes.\u00a0 4) Respecting that other person\u2019s boundaries and walking away if that is indicated.\u00a0 Four step process, guys. You can even skip the Step 3 \u201cCaring\u201d part if you\u2019re kind of an asshole, but not a complete one.\u00a0 You can even do this if you\u2019re drunk.\u00a0 If you find that you are too drunk to do this, you can call a car service to come get you and take you home so that you don\u2019t assault or harass someone.\u00a0 What a time to be alive! It\u2019s just that easy.\u00a0 It really just comes down to noticing what the other person in your interaction wants and making that as important to you as fulfilling your own desires. If you have a question about what that person wants, you might have to come right out and ask.\u00a0 But then you will have a really good chance of knowing the answer.\u00a0 It\u2019s a win-win.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
But you know, you can even be better than that if you are brave enough.\u00a0 I think a lot about those guys who were out biking and stopped the assault Brock Turner was committing.\u00a0 They saw something wrong and they stopped it.\u00a0 I wish this wasn\u2019t so surprising to me.\u00a0 They didn\u2019t choose to mind their own business, because a guy was getting \u201ctwenty minutes of action\u201d and it would break some sort of guy code to prevent that from happening.\u00a0 And I bet there were people who watched creepy Brock leave with a woman who was too intoxicated to walk steadily.\u00a0 Just like there were probably people at that house party 35 years ago who watched two drunk and aggressive guys follow their female friend up to the bathroom.\u00a0 And apparently there were people in a dorm room watching\u00a0 and saying nothing while their shitty drunk frat brother waved his dick in their drunk female friend\u2019s face and told her to kiss\u00a0it.\u00a0 And I hope that this is changing and that people (men specifically, but women too) aren\u2019t afraid of being called a cock blocker if it means that they can help prevent an assault.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0I think there will always be entitled garbage people in the world who see other humans as conquests and who will do whatever they can to get what they want. They are not looking for a mutually satisfying interaction with another person, they care about their own needs, only.\u00a0 If this is you, then you are at best an asshole and at worst a predator and you probably should hate #metoo, because it\u2019s going to put a crimp in your lifestyle.\u00a0 I certainly hope most people are not like that.\u00a0 But you don\u2019t have to be a bystander, either.\u00a0 And you could even be a stand-up person who says something when you see terrible behavior taking place.\u00a0 I\u2019m hoping to raise stand-up men.\u00a0 The world needs more of them.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
9.26.2018 I am raising three sons.\u00a0 Man, just typing that made me tired. It is not easy and I worry constantly that I\u2019m not doing it well or that I could be doing better.\u00a0 I feel like I get things right about fifty percent of the time.\u00a0 And I suppose the other half can be … <\/p>\n