Welcome to Motherhood

Jujube sent me a link to this funny blogness: http://www.loraincountymoms.com/?p=290

I was happy to see that somebody else doesn't love The Giving Tree, because I have hated that book for years. I hate it like I hate hearing that insipid Proud to Be an American song on the fourth of July, which invariably sticks it in my head until Labor Day. (Die horrible song!!!!) But seriously, I think that Shel Silverstein had a sick sense of humor. He may have been an evil genius. This book never goes away! Why oh why do people love it so much?

The story, in case you've somehow been lucky enough to have missed it: Boy loves his beautiful tree. Awww. He proceeds to climb all over her, carve things into her, cut her down and leave her as a STUMP, on which he later parks his old, wrinkled ass. And the tree? Is HAPPY! Codependent much, Tree? Sheesh! The tree is never even the least bit tempted to give the boy a couple of attitude adjusting smacks before her branches are permanently removed!

I successfully managed to avoid owning this book...which made me not want to have children...for years. Until I had a baby. Believe it or not I received THREE copies after my Buggy was born. I was stunned and wondered why three people I didn't know very well wanted me to kill myself. Yes, I know it's all symbolic of motherhood and how mothers are so unselfish and blah blah blah, but seriously? Don't give this to new mothers. They will learn all about crazy mom love and wanting to give everything and more to their babies on their own without the aid of the cartoon tree. And nobody wants to think about that whole stump thing...

07.17.08

Boy oh Boy!

Guess what?! I am going to have a second baby boy in my home in just four short months. Who knew? Apparently I am The Boymaker. And I think I will be the only girl living in the House of Boy, because I seriously don't think I can do this pregnancy thing again, even if I wanted to even things up a little. I am just not a good pregnant person. I do not glow, unless getting red-faced with rage and heat exhaustion counts. I get fat and resentful. I eat and cry and then I eat some more. And I can't stop peeing every five minutes. I can't believe that I have another four months to get even huger. UGH!!!!!! And why is it the hottest summer EVER when I am carrying a bowling ball in the belly and a 25 lb monkey in my arms? This is why I made my husband get cable. I don't plan to leave the house for the rest of this fucking ridiculous summer.

Despite all of this (and the fact that I'm in complete denial about having 2 kids under 2), I am so excited about my new baby boy. I love being a boy's mom...and my house is completely free of princess crap! I can't wait to meet this new little guy and see what he's like. He's already quite the little kicker, just like his brother was. I fear this means that he'll be the same type of maniacal, always on the go type of boy. My son walked pretty early...and almost immediately started running. And he hasn't stopped since then. I'm holding out for a little bit of my lazy gene to come through with my new baby boy, but it's not looking good. Alas. Please send relaxing thoughts my way.

6.28.08

Honest to blog?!

LP has an aunt in Chicago who frequently exclaims "Honest to God?!" (only it sounds more like "Ahnest ta Gahhhd?!") and we've been cracking each other up lately thinking about Aunt Sue changing her catchphrase to "Honset to blog?! (or "Ahnest ta blahg?!") after seeing Juno so that she can be one of the cool kids. Yeah, we're lame, but what can I say? It's the little things that make my life fun.

I used to really hate the word blog and I especially hated when people referred to Gorgeous and Sassy as a blog. I'd be all, "It's not a blog...it's more like a zine or something..." And since zine is another ridiculous word that annoys me, it didn't really make me feel better. I'm not sure why I was resistant to the whole blog thing. I still don't embrace the word, but as you can see we've changed our format and it's definitely more in the realm of blog. It's fabulously blogesque!

I have been reading lots of other really great blogs, so it's not like I have disdain for the medium. For instance, I love love love Go Fug Yourself. Those girls are brilliant and consistently make me laugh out loud. Tomato Nation is also really good. Her excellent advice column is always great reading and made me realize that I don't have what it takes to give advice. Mimi Smartypants is my favorite blogger mom, because she's smart, hilariously funny and her stories about her kid are entertaining without ever being cutesy. And she hasn't left sex, drinking or swearing behind, either. It's refreshing.

My friend Sunny (known in G&S world as Killa Gorilla) is a dress designer (you need one of her dresses) who has just started her own blog and it is good reading. Check out her love letter to WalMart. As you may know, I too loathe that horrible hell hole. I only loathe it more now that I have a child (and a half) because you kind of have to go to WalMart once you have kids. You're suckered in due to the convenience of having everything in one place (insane toddlers do not want to be taken in and out of a car seat, nor do they find joy in multiple destination afternoons of errands) as well as the bargain prices of their craptastic merchandise.

Unfortunately, I just realized that I am in need of new tupperware-like containers. Target. I think I'll be hitting the Target.

6.09.08

Sisterhood, anyone?

I've been reading a memoir I found at the library called Moose by Stephanie Klein. It's an extremely candid story of a girl who was overweight during her childhood and early teen years. I just got to the part where she's going to "fat camp" and it's really good stuff. I'm not finished with it yet, (because I fall asleep after 10 minutes of reading these days) but I highly recommend it.

I read on the book jacket that the author lives here in Austin and wrote another book based on the blog she's had for years (how do I always miss these things?) so naturally I checked it out. Ooh, good stuff!

She made a funny video where she gives herself a you-go-girl pep talk in a public bathroom mirror and asked people to post it on their sites in order to market the book. So here it is:

I thought it was pretty funny (let it SPARKLE!!). See what you think. I was really surprised and disheartened to see a few really shitty comments that people (women!) made about the video. One of them actually made disparaging comments about her weight! What the hell is wrong with people? Are they so jealous of someone else's success that they just can't stop the bitterness from spewing?

I am super sensitive these days, but reading this book and then seeing that comment just set me off. I have never understood this compulsion some women seem to have about cutting each other down, particularly in regards to each other's looks and sexuality. I'm all for making fun of stupidity and meanness (pricey and hideous fashion is also very fun) but the other stuff? What's the point of ripping someone up for her looks, her body or her sex life? It's bullshit! Guys don't seem to do this to each other...why do we? Where is the sisterhood??

I've been thinking about this stuff more and more because from early ultrasounds it looks like I may be having a girl in a few months (we'll probably know for sure in just a few weeks!). I am waaay more freaked out about having a girl than I was about having my son. It's just so hard to be a girl sometimes. You get constant conflicting messages about how you are supposed to look and act...who you are supposed to be. Ugh. I am overwhelmed when I think about it. I want so much to be a good mother who allows her kids to become their best selves. It seems like it will be more of a struggle with a girl. I hope that I am up to the challenge.

06.04.08

Daytime TV Concerts: Fun Fun Fun!!!

Lately, a lot of the daytime newsy/talky shows (I'm not even going to pretend I don't watch tv every morning) are having summer concert events. I am thrilled all the time, because a lot of my old faves like to play at these shows. Neil Diamond, baby! And Donna Summer! Among many fabulous others. My son and I have been dancing our booties off! Even when the act is not a favorite of mine it is still pretty fun. Like the time I got to see a possibly latex-clad Fergie writhing all over the place in front of a crowd of what looked to be 8 year-olds. Unimpressed 8 year-olds, at that. Awesome.

I have a little concern that Buggy is going to inherit my notoriously unrefined musical tastes. Could this damage the boy? People make fun of me all of the time when it comes to music, especially when they see my cds. They're all, "Wow, I thought only my mom had the Carpenters AND James Taylor in her collection." or "I didn't even know Boy George had a solo career!" And then there was the time my car was broken into and the stereo and a bunch of cds in a carrying case were stolen, but the thieves actually placed my ABBA's Greatest Hits on the passenger seat, as if to say, "Seriously!?"

Anyway, I do try to vary the music we listen to. The public radio station plays all kinds of crazy stuff and we usually listen to that once I'm bored with morning tv. I take him to free shows in town...and we ARE in the Live Music Capital of the Solar System or whatever. So maybe he'll have eclectic tastes. All I know is the boy can dance! He has this new spinning move that is very impressive. I'm sure he gets it from me.

So last week on the Ellen show, they featured one of my all time favorite bands, Journey. Their new lead singer is a young Filipino guy that the band may have discovered on YouTube (I was only half listening, so that may not be true) and he kicks ass! He sounds just as good as Steve Perry, but he's easier on the eyes. They led off with "Separate Ways" and it was so awesome that I almost peed my pants...which, you know, can happen when you're pregnant. When it was over I had to hear more, so I found a bunch of their videos on YouTube and we had our own Journey show right in our living room. Then I looked up their website to see if they might be touring. To my enormous glee, they will be performing this summer with two of my other favorites, Heart and Cheap Trick. How did I not know about this earlier?? I am trying to get LP to go to this amazing musical extravaganza with me. He owes me since he nixed the idea of going to see Neil Diamond's upcoming show, just because it's a week before I'm scheduled to give birth. I sort of see his point, but still...it's Neil. It's one of my life's dreams to see Neil Diamond in concert. And speaking of Neil, I really want this shirt.

Before I go, did you see the Bachelorette last night? Good stuff! The carriage ride heave-ho was one of the most painful heave-hos, ever! That poor sweet nerd had to catch a cab home from the "romantic date." Ouch. If you didn't see it, you have to check it out on ABC's site. Brutal. Still, you have to admire DeAnna's straightforwardness. I still love her. I am also very happy she got rid of that freak Ron. He seems suspiciously like a sociopath and he looks like he is way older than 36. His face is totally 50. The Just for Men hair isn't fooling anyone, Ronnie boy.

Hmmm...this was almost all about tv. OK, next time I'm going to discuss books. Get ready.

06.03.08

The Bachelorette

OK, so I have to admit that I love The Bachelorette! This is a huge surprise to me, since I developed a bitter hatred of The Bachelor during the sexiest EVER season and the bachelorette herself, DeAnna, is one of the spurned ladies from that train wreck. But it's not her fault that the pumped up Austin dude was a chump (does anyone else just assume that men who make their chests super huge are compensating for a perceived lack of um...substance in other areas?) and that the show had become painful to watch. Besides, I am getting large and lazy with child and I'm not about to pass up the opportunity to hate on people I don't know. I can't drink or fit into any attractive clothing for many more months. What else do I have????

The show is actually pretty good, so far. The guys seem to be nicer to each other than the women have been, yet they are still just as insecure and weird about wanting to be married. Bachelorette DeAnna is really cool, sassy and refreshingly honest.

I really love the cringey parts where you can just FEEL the bad date-ness of the situations. The Greek Guy and the Virgin Boy were both incredibly boring and only talked about themselves. Have you ever been on that date? "Wow, could we hear MORE about YOU? So fascinating!" At least Greek Guy was trying to make a connection by talking about their shared Greekness. Unfortunately, that's all he could talk about. The Virgin Boy was just awful with his pompousness and inability to talk about anything besides his Christianity and how he is "waiting for marriage." He is saving himself as a gift to his future wife. Yeah..."gift." Someone that self-involved and sexually inexperienced is sure to be awesome in the sack. Prepare to be wowed, future wife! Interestingly for all his preachiness, he seemed to be the only one who had to be "beeped" due to foul language this week. Dude! Would Jesus have had to be beeped? I think not.

My other favorite part was when DeAnna was asked where she wanted to be in five years, and she was all, "Married with a baby and another on the way." Holy shit! DeAnna wants to be me!!

So far, I like the Football Coach and the Single Dad the best, but some of the other guys seem pretty cool. And even though Greek Guy and Virgin Boy were ousted, the Chef, the Snowboarder and Twilley all show promise in the weird and cringey department.

05.27.07

Gorgeous and Sassy in Suburbia

The last time I posted anything at all I was watching the horrible, disappointing "sexiest Bachelor EVER!" and man did it suck. I am sure my annoyance at the show caused my computer to crash and die, which is why I didn't finish my exciting updates.

Shortly thereafter, but mostly not related to the show, LP and I decided to move to the burbs. By "the burbs" I mean seven miles south of where we were living. My new home is in a way less cool, thus way more affordable area of town. It's kind of a cookie cutter house, but it has a giant yard in which my little boy can run wild. He is a little maniac, so this is a nice feature.

I spent lots of time making fun of the burbs when I was single, so I guess I'm getting my comeuppance. I maintain that it would have been crazy and lame of me to love the idea of a cookie cutter house in suburbia when I was single and childless and got to go out all the time...to places other than Target and the neighborhood pool. So there you go. I still don't have a mini-van as I still find them ungainly and hideous, so I hope to not be driving one any time soon. But you never know how things can change, so I won't make any promises.

Speaking of changes, I am getting rounder! I'm either pregnant again or I'm just getting fat and bitchy from suburban life. Maybe it's an exciting combination of both!

Now I must update you on the funniest thing that happened to me while I was away:

My Encounter With a Freaky Floridian Nudist

LP and I decided that it would be harder for us to sell our house if we were living in it with our maniac baby boy. My son, whom I will refer to as Buggy because that has become my pet name for him, is a high-spirited little fellow. It is not really possible for us to have a quiet and orderly home with my boy. So Buggy and I took off for Godforsaken Florida to spend a month living with my mom.

Have you been to Florida? It's full of...um...characters. My mom happens to reside in the area that is known as a "nudist Mecca," which is not how it was known when I was in high school. It was more of a hillbilly Mecca at that time. My mom doesn't even live in the Mecca part of the county, but her creepy, home-schooling neighbors don't seem to know that.

So one night I am headed out when I hear some rustling on the side of the neighbor's house. Rustling sounds are always cause for alarm in Florida, as there is actually a possibility that it is an alligator hunting for food or a lurking serial killer. I slowly turn my head in the direction of the noise and see a flash of white rush by me. It's a way more horrifying sight than I could have imagined! It's the neighbor's skinny, ghostly pale, fifteen year-old son and he is completely butt nekkid. He stops mid-run and we make eye contact for a few seconds. He starts laughing and then zips his pale, nude, home-schooled ass to the curb, where he drops the garbage.

I go back inside my mother's house and let her know what I just saw, and she is unimpressed. "Yeah, we all thought they were nudists." she says. I am the lucky girl who confirmed the whole neighborhood's suspicions. For the next several weeks, I live in fear of seeing the ugly, creepy nudist dad or the fat and trollish mom doing yardwork or something else in the buff, but it doesn't happen. Thank God.

05.22.08