Happy throwback Thursday! Join us as we time travel back to 2003. It was a simpler time, when we had to buy disposable cameras in order to have photographic proof of how epic our nights were. This was Gorgeous and Sassy’s first piece of hard hitting investigative journalism. Enjoy!
Where the Penis Ends and the Sand Begins: A Review of La Bare
2:15 a.m. Shakira arrives home at her standard Saturday hour—right after the bars close. She decides to do some research on male strip clubs. For the site, of course. It can be a Gorgeous and Sassy expose! One hour and 45 porn sites later, she’s found ONE club in the state of Texas open on a Sunday night: La Bare Dallas. The gentleman on the phone (my, he sounds hot!) assures her they are indeed open. She falls into a deep drunken slumber, dreaming of La Bare and hoping she can convince Gigi to come along.
12:27 p.m. Shakira struggles out of bed to find the phone, then dials Gigi’s number. If they’re getting on the road to Dallas, it needs to be soon! La Bare opens at 6!
Shakira: Okay, I have a crazy idea.
Gigi: Uh-oh. Good thing I’m sitting down.
Shakira: We get in the car.
Shakira: We drive to Dallas.
Shakira: (pausing dramatically for effect) We go to…La Bare.
Gigi: Yes! Yes! Let’s do it! La Bare!
2:10 p.m. Madame V calls and reminds Shakira, “Well, since you’re doing research for the site, you can write it off. Save those receipts, girls!”
2:35 p.m. Shakira arrives at Gigi’s to load up. The girls giggle over their choice of lunch fare: big stuffed burritos. Heeee.
4:15 p.m. “Love Bites” plays on the CD player. Shakira and Gigi belt out the tune along with Def Leppard. Shakira wishes it wasn’t raining so that she could shoe polish LA BARE OR BUST on the car.
5:26 p.m. The gorgeous and sassy girls proclaim January 12 “Official National La Bare Day”—to be celebrated every year.
“Didn’t someone once say that their g-string/banana hammock things are stuffed with sand?” Gigi is curious.
“Yeah, I heard that too,” Shakira agrees.
“We gotta find out if it’s the last thing we do!” Gigi vows.
5:40 p.m. Gigi screams, “We’re going to La Bare!”
7:10 p.m. Gigi and Shakira spot the club, despite random directions from Yahoo! Maps. They are shocked to find it’s not on La Bare Boulevard. They plan to write to the Dallas City Council to have the street renamed.
7:15 p.m. Perfection! A cheesy motel within stumbling distance of La Bare. Shakira wonders how much rent would be for the month. They are both disturbed to find two of the ugliest and most unfriendly men running the hotel. They surmise these guys are just jealous. It must be hard to work right next to such tasty man samples.
7:16 p.m. Shakira screams, “We’re going to La Bare!”
8:00 p.m. Shakira tugs her shirt down in the mirror. “I just can’t go to La Bare without cleavage,” she says. Gigi bares her midriff and says, “The menz can’t resist this flat tummy. By the way, WE’RE GOING TO LA BARE!”
8:15 p.m. They drive past the club again. Looking for a camera.
8:17 p.m. Still in search of a store that sells disposable cameras, they drive past La Bare again, waving at the young and handsome valet. See you soon!
8:25 p.m. More burritos for dinner. Mmmmm. They speculate on what the performances will be like—will there be costumes? Acts? Bondage? Shakira mentions an x-boy who enjoyed giving her strip teases. Inspired, she leaps from the booth to demonstrate to Gigi. The waiter also enjoys the demonstration and applauds wildly. Shakira looks in vain for her tips.
9:00 p.m. Arrival at La Bare! What a beautiful palace. Photos are taken at the entrance, as if to prove it’s not just a mirage. Once inside, Shakira and Gigi are seated right in front of center stage. They cannot stop laughing. Drinks. Stat.
9:05 p.m. “WE’RE AT LA BARE!” Gigi exclaims.
9:07 p.m. The cute long-haired waiter arrives with the drinks. He gives them their change in ones. They laugh some more. “What’s that?” Shakira asks, pointing to a cage-like structure with doors. “Maybe that’s where they keep the gimp,” Gigi suggests. Shakira orders another round.
9:10 p.m. The Challenge: Neither of them can leave the club without putting at least one dollar bill in one sexy g-string. And there are plenty of hard bodies with sexy g-strings.
9:11 p.m. – 11:55 p.m. The girls proceed to get drunk with the WEAKEST cocktails in the history of mankind. A blur of hot menz rove past the their eyes: there’s Zoro and his giant sword, there’s the Intellectual (denoted with his spectacles), the Cowboy, a Marky Mark look-alike, a Latino named Ramon, Naughty “Newbie” Nick and the Master Blaster. The girls remark on the pure genius of the Velcro Pant. Gigi proclaims, “My next boyfriend MUST have the Velcro Pant!” Next up is a mailman who is delivering a very big and extra special package. The girls still cannot spend their stack of one-dollar-bills, despite invitations to approach the stage.
The devil comes out and plays the fiddle while dancing around a stump. What? “Hmm…the devil’s kinda cute!” Gigi says. Suddenly a pair of Velcro pants come flying from the stage and land on her head: clearly an invitation to approach. Declining, Gigi throws them back. Shakira cocks her head at the newest dancer. “Is that an ass flex? I’ve never seen that before. Do asses have muscles there? Mmmmm.” She orders another round.
Gigi is thrilled to hear the sweet sounds of her beloved Patrick Swayze’s number one hit: “She’s Like the Wind.” The Intellectual has suddenly morphed into a J Crew model sporting a linen shirt blowing in the “wind” from the fan. Shakira falls off the bench while laughing. Gigi stares in rapture. All of her dreams are coming true. She is suddenly awakened from her reverie by the feel of a slimy hand on her thigh. Ewww. It’s the Sleazy Waiter. Where’s the cute long haired guy. They like him better. “That feel is coming out of your tip, pal,” Gigi mutters.
The Most Annoying DJ Ever says, “Hold on to your seats tight because your featured entertainer is going to take you on the ride of your life!” Ooh! It’s the Master Blaster, who throws what Shakira thinks are roses from the stage. They turn out to be posters of the Master Blaster himself. Shakira grabs the pen and runs to the stage. “Can I have your autograph?” she simpers. The Master Blaster gladly complies, growling seductively at Shakira as he hands her the poster.
12:25 a.m. One credit card tab, 3 shots, and 6 cocktails later, Shakira stands up with her dollar bills. “Gigi, I’m goin’ in,” she announces, and dances her way to the stage. Naughty “Newbie” Nick puts one of her dollar bills in her mouth and leans over to get it with his luscious lips.
12:27 a.m. “Gigi, I’m going in again.”
12:50 a.m. One more shot for Gigi. Blue kamikazes? What the hell are they drinking? “Okay, I’m going in,” Gigi says with determination. “HIT IT, GIGI!” Shakira screams wildly, throwing dollar bills at her.
12:51 a.m. Gigi returns, giggling and smelling like Axe body spray. “It’s like a petting zoo!”
Summary: A four-star joint. The drinks are weak but the menz are strong! La Bare is highly recommended for any gorgeous and sassy girl. Oh—and the sand rumor isn’t true.