Pre-dawn wake up in a downtown Houston hotel with my sister - We actually feel good, because we drank too much and stayed up too late two nights ago, so we were tired enough to get a really good night’s sleep pre-race. We might be geniuses!
Starting Line - We take a “Before” photo. There probably won’t be an after photo, because nobody wants to see a picture of extremely sweaty people who may or may not have just barfed. I’m happy that it is overcast and fairly cool out. Before the air horn goes off, signifying the race’s beginning, my sister muses, “There were probably other ways we could have celebrated your birthday. Maybe a spa or a cruise?” Hmmm…. (Blaaaaaaarrrrrr!) That was the horn. It’s too late to turn back now. Better start running, so we can get to post-race drinking.
Mile 1 - Ugh…12 miles to go. This might have been a dumb idea. At least there are a lot of people in Halloween costumes. Maybe this will make it seem more like a festive celebration than hours of grueling exercise? Lots of dinosaurs and Pokemons to keep me entertained. If I do this again, I should dress as a doughnut.
Mile 2 - Hey, I feel great! Wow, I am an amazing athlete! Why did I think this was a bad idea? This was my best idea. I could do this forever! Only 11 miles left! I feel like I’m running like a gazelle, but I suspect I’m more like one of those miniature horses. Kind of ambling and clompy. I’m the Little Sebastian of road races.
Mile 3 - Feeling ok. What a great playlist! So happy I had all of my friends suggest songs. Each song makes me think of a fun time with the friend who suggested it and that is making me happy. Also, I should listen to Don’t Stop Believing once an hour, every hour. I will never stop believing! Never!!!
Mile 4 - Eastbound and Down is a really great running song. It’s also a great road trip song. It’s just a great song. Smokey and the Bandit is a great movie. Really anything with Burt Reynolds is gold, because he is a national treasure. I need to write him a fan letter as soon as I finish running.
Mile 5 - Do I have to pee? No. Maybe? So many cons to peeing. I will lose time, the porta-potties are disgusting, etc. etc. I can hold it. Right?
Mile 6 - Ugh, porta-potty break. So gross. Stupid bladder.
Mile 7 - I need more Benny Hill style music on my playlist! That would be fun to run to. You know what would be a great race? One where “pervy uncle” types in tighty whities jumped out at you from bushes and chased you with a feather duster to a Benny Hill music soundtrack. I would run so fast! They do zombie races, why not something like this? Could this be my million dollar idea?
Mile 8 - Starting to get tired. Maybe I can motivate myself by thinking of what I will eat and drink after the race. Waffles, tacos, Bloody Marys, margaritas….yes, this is totally working! I will eat all the things! I will drink mucho booze! It’s my birthday and I will celebrate. After I run for another 45 minutes or so. Ugh.
Mile 9 - Um, is that a guy in a button down shirt and NO PANTS hanging out at the edge of the park and staring at the runners with a creepy smile on his face? You don’t see that every day. Did I actually tell someone my Pervy Uncle Race idea? Did I transmit it to the universe and now it is manifesting? I don’t think it is a million dollar idea now that I’ve seen a pantsless creeper while running. “Did you get me a birthday stripper?” I ask my sister. “Please, I know you would have wanted a sexy cop,” she replies. We see a couple of actual cops heading his way. Fun!
Mile 10 - OK, only three miles to go. That’s a 5K and I have run multiple 5Ks. Easy. I see a woman holding a sign that says “Your feet hurt because you are kicking ass!” Clearly, I am kicking tons of ass. I’m going to eat a few of these sport jelly beans. Maybe they are magic beans and I will float my way to the finish line.
Mile 11 - I think I’m going to die. Those sport beans aren’t magic! There is no way I can run two more miles. I want to go lay down somewhere and not get up. Oh God, there’s the race photo person! I can’t smile, I can only grimace in pain. I hope to never see that picture.
Mile 12 - Ow ow ow ow ow ow. I hate this so much. Looks like the sun came back out and I think it is angry at us. Must. Keep. Moving.
Mile 13 and FINISH LIINE - Oh thank God! I don’t know if I’ve ever been happier to be finished with something. Maybe pregnancy? A few really bad dates. Possibly the movie Titanic. But damn, look at our fabulous blingy medals! You don’t get a blingy medal after a bad date. And the after race party has tacos, pancakes and beer! Weird, but great. There’s a band playing KC and the Sunshine Band. This is awesome!
All in all, it was good experience. After the race I napped and then rehydrated with margaritas and tons of Tex Mex with my sister, plus my favorite H-Town residents Shakira and her awesome hubby. It’s a day later and I’m still pretty sore, but also pretty happy. Not a bad way to celebrate getting older.