Gigi Update

When we last left Gigi, it was 2007. She had been married a year and was the mother of a brand new baby boy, born via c-section, so it hardly even counted. She was trying out Stay at Home Motherhood, but figured she’d be back to the glamorous world of library science and writing Gorgeous & Sassy articles with Shakira as soon as the kid could get his own snacks.

If you recall the earlier days of Gorgeous and Sassy, you may remember that Gigi was a fun-loving librarian who lived with two fat, ornery pugs. She’d had one ill-fated Vegas marriage, but who doesn’t have one of those in their past? She half-heartedly went to the gym, but enthusiastically went to bars, watched horrible television or worked on G&S in her spare time. She and Shakira masterfully reviewed many Lifetime movies, pageants and a certain male strip club so that you didn’t have to investigate for yourself. Or you could know before you go. Or something. You’re welcome. They may have exaggerated some of their adventures and they certainly made fun of their many ex-suitors, by creating trading cards with their likenesses and vital statistics. Not as many of the ex-suitors were 5’3, 400 lbs and plagued by erectile dysfunction as they may have intimated. Oops. #sorrynotsorry

Wow, it has taken nine years for Gigi to write anything new for Gorgeous and Sassy! What has she been up to? Let’s find out!

We’ll start with some good news: Gigi has made her re-entry back into the work-a-day world and she’s still in the library sciences. She is an Archivist! Hardly anyone really knows what that means and Gigi’s not about to explain it. She likes a little mystery.

Gigi is the mother of three (boy) children, who are all fairly close in age. She was pregnant from mid 2006 until late 2010. She did not glow, but resembled an angry weeble. She would sit on you and steal your food if you looked at her the wrong way or attempted to rub her belly. For the love of everything, please stop rubbing pregnant women’s bellies! That is how you get your throat punched.

Did Gigi mention that her children are all boys? When Gigi was young and pictured the possibility of children, she envisioned one small, quiet girl, who would bake muffins with her or sit next to her on a comfortable couch while working on crafty projects like embroidery. Gigi’s sons do not enjoy baking and only eat the tops of muffins. They just throw the rest of that shit on the floor. They hate crafts and Gigi would be a damn fool to let them handle embroidery needles. Gigi’s no fool. On the plus side, these boys all love a good fart joke. They are funny and wild and the best thing that ever happened to Gigi. It’s not what she expected, but she has no regrets in that area.

Gigi really got into running after the birth of her third son. Such a surprise for someone whose other favorite hobbies can successfully be completed while laying down. She’s run two half marathons, plus several other races of varying lengths. She’s not fast, but she’s not as slow as she thought she would be. She is training to run a half marathon with her sister on her upcoming birthday, because she’s just going to get old anyway, so why not run while her legs still work? She drinks a margarita or eats a doughnut for every mile she runs, so don’t worry about her wasting away. NOT GONNA HAPPEN.

Gigi recently finished her second marriage. Things did not go swimmingly in that department. In fact, they went horrifically and spectacularly wrong. It is an interesting story, but please don’t ask her about it right now, because that can make her have sudden, unexpected crying. Nobody likes that. It makes us all uncomfortable.

Gigi drives a vaguely colored, ten year-old minivan. It might be tan but it might be silver. Nobody knows. It’s the Absence of Color. It is a whale of an automobile with an unexplained dent on one side, that totally adds character. As does the missing hub cap.

Gigi’s pugs both died in 2011. She now lives with the aforementioned boy children and her crazy little rescue doggie, Josie. Josie is a bitch in every sense of the word. Sorry, but Josie probably wouldn’t like you, at least not at first and maybe never. She’d bark at you for a good ten minutes straight upon meeting you. She’d pee if you tried to touch her. Then she’d bark more. Josie particularly hates men. Gigi is somewhat ambivalent about them at present, so this works just fine.

Gigi is putting her life back together. She runs several times a week to stay sane. She drinks copious amounts of wine to stay loose and hydrated. She laughs many times a day with her crazy kids and her crazier crew of friends. She watches a lot of Netflix and reads memoirs of interesting women. She’s still a bad ass. Maybe she’ll write something funny while she rebuilds. Stranger things have happened.

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