Monthly Archives: October 2016

LA BARE!!! Part 1

Happy throwback Thursday!  Join us as we time travel back to 2003.  It was a simpler time, when we had to buy disposable cameras in order to have photographic proof of how epic our nights were.  This was Gorgeous and Sassy’s first piece of hard hitting investigative journalism.  Enjoy!

Where the Penis Ends and the Sand Begins:  A Review of La Bare 

2:15 a.m. Shakira arrives home at her standard Saturday hour—right after the bars close. She decides to do some research on male strip clubs. For the site, of course. It can be a Gorgeous and Sassy expose! One hour and 45 porn sites later, she’s found ONE club in the state of Texas open on a Sunday night: La Bare Dallas. The gentleman on the phone (my, he sounds hot!) assures her they are indeed open. She falls into a deep drunken slumber, dreaming of La Bare and hoping she can convince Gigi to come along.

12:27 p.m. Shakira struggles out of bed to find the phone, then dials Gigi’s number. If they’re getting on the road to Dallas, it needs to be soon! La Bare opens at 6!

Gigi: Hello?
Shakira: Okay, I have a crazy idea.
Gigi: Uh-oh. Good thing I’m sitting down.
Shakira: We get in the car.
Gigi: Uh-huh.
Shakira: We drive to Dallas.
Gigi: Uh-huh.
Shakira: (pausing dramatically for effect) We go to…La Bare.
Gigi: Yes! Yes! Let’s do it! La Bare!

2:10 p.m. Madame V calls and reminds Shakira, “Well, since you’re doing research for the site, you can write it off. Save those receipts, girls!”

2:35 p.m. Shakira arrives at Gigi’s to load up. The girls giggle over their choice of lunch fare: big stuffed burritos. Heeee.

4:15 p.m. “Love Bites” plays on the CD player. Shakira and Gigi belt out the tune along with Def Leppard. Shakira wishes it wasn’t raining so that she could shoe polish LA BARE OR BUST on the car.

5:26 p.m. The gorgeous and sassy girls proclaim January 12 “Official National La Bare Day”—to be celebrated every year.
“Didn’t someone once say that their g-string/banana hammock things are stuffed with sand?” Gigi is curious.
“Yeah, I heard that too,” Shakira agrees.
“We gotta find out if it’s the last thing we do!” Gigi vows.

5:40 p.m. Gigi screams, “We’re going to La Bare!”

7:10 p.m. Gigi and Shakira spot the club, despite random directions from Yahoo! Maps. They are shocked to find it’s not on La Bare Boulevard. They plan to write to the Dallas City Council to have the street renamed.

7:15 p.m. Perfection! A cheesy motel within stumbling distance of La Bare. Shakira wonders how much rent would be for the month. They are both disturbed to find two of the ugliest and most unfriendly men running the hotel. They surmise these guys are just jealous.  It must be hard to work right next to such tasty man samples.

7:16 p.m. Shakira screams, “We’re going to La Bare!”

8:00 p.m. Shakira tugs her shirt down in the mirror. “I just can’t go to La Bare without cleavage,” she says. Gigi bares her midriff and says, “The menz can’t resist this flat tummy. By the way, WE’RE GOING TO LA BARE!”

8:15 p.m. They drive past the club again. Looking for a camera.

8:17 p.m. Still in search of a store that sells disposable cameras, they drive past La Bare again, waving at the young and handsome valet.  See you soon!

8:25 p.m. More burritos for dinner. Mmmmm. They speculate on what the performances will be like—will there be costumes? Acts? Bondage? Shakira mentions an x-boy who enjoyed giving her strip teases. Inspired, she leaps from the booth to demonstrate to Gigi. The waiter also enjoys the demonstration and applauds wildly. Shakira looks in vain for her tips.

9:00 p.m. Arrival at La Bare! What a beautiful palace. Photos are taken at the entrance, as if to prove it’s not just a mirage. Once inside, Shakira and Gigi are seated right in front of center stage. They cannot stop laughing. Drinks. Stat.

9:05 p.m. “WE’RE AT LA BARE!” Gigi exclaims.

9:07 p.m. The cute long-haired waiter arrives with the drinks. He gives them their change in ones. They laugh some more. “What’s that?” Shakira asks, pointing to a cage-like structure with doors. “Maybe that’s where they keep the gimp,” Gigi suggests. Shakira orders another round.

9:10 p.m. The Challenge: Neither of them can leave the club without putting at least one dollar bill in one sexy g-string. And there are plenty of hard bodies with sexy g-strings.

9:11 p.m. – 11:55 p.m. The girls proceed to get drunk with the WEAKEST cocktails in the history of mankind. A blur of hot menz rove past the their eyes: there’s Zoro and his giant sword, there’s the Intellectual (denoted with his spectacles), the Cowboy, a Marky Mark look-alike, a Latino named Ramon, Naughty “Newbie” Nick and the Master Blaster. The girls remark on the pure genius of the Velcro Pant. Gigi proclaims, “My next boyfriend MUST have the Velcro Pant!” Next up is a mailman who is delivering a very big and extra special package.  The girls still cannot spend their stack of one-dollar-bills, despite invitations to approach the stage.

The devil comes out and plays the fiddle while dancing around a stump. What? “Hmm…the devil’s kinda cute!” Gigi says. Suddenly a pair of Velcro pants come flying from the stage and land on her head: clearly an invitation to approach.  Declining, Gigi throws them back. Shakira cocks her head at the newest dancer. “Is that an ass flex? I’ve never seen that before. Do asses have muscles there? Mmmmm.” She orders another round.

Gigi is thrilled to hear the sweet sounds of her beloved Patrick Swayze’s number one hit: “She’s Like the Wind.” The Intellectual has suddenly morphed into a J Crew model sporting a linen shirt blowing in the “wind” from the fan. Shakira falls off the bench while laughing. Gigi stares in rapture. All of her dreams are coming true.  She is suddenly awakened from her reverie by the feel of a slimy hand on her thigh. Ewww. It’s the Sleazy Waiter. Where’s the cute long haired guy.  They like him better. “That feel is coming out of your tip, pal,” Gigi mutters.

The Most Annoying DJ Ever says, “Hold on to your seats tight because your featured entertainer is going to take you on the ride of your life!” Ooh!  It’s the Master Blaster, who throws what Shakira thinks are roses from the stage. They turn out to be posters of the Master Blaster himself. Shakira grabs the pen and runs to the stage. “Can I have your autograph?” she simpers. The Master Blaster gladly complies, growling seductively at Shakira as he hands her the poster.

12:25 a.m. One credit card tab, 3 shots, and 6 cocktails later, Shakira stands up with her dollar bills. “Gigi, I’m goin’ in,” she announces, and dances her way to the stage. Naughty “Newbie” Nick puts one of her dollar bills in her mouth and leans over to get it with his luscious lips.

12:27 a.m. “Gigi, I’m going in again.”

12:50 a.m. One more shot for Gigi. Blue kamikazes? What the hell are they drinking? “Okay, I’m going in,” Gigi says with determination. “HIT IT, GIGI!” Shakira screams wildly, throwing dollar bills at her.

12:51 a.m. Gigi returns, giggling and smelling like Axe body spray. “It’s like a petting zoo!”

Summary: A four-star joint. The drinks are weak but the menz are strong! La Bare is highly recommended for any gorgeous and sassy girl. Oh—and the sand rumor isn’t true.


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Gigi Update

When we last left Gigi, it was 2007. She had been married a year and was the mother of a brand new baby boy, born via c-section, so it hardly even counted. She was trying out Stay at Home Motherhood, but figured she’d be back to the glamorous world of library science and writing Gorgeous & Sassy articles with Shakira as soon as the kid could get his own snacks.

If you recall the earlier days of Gorgeous and Sassy, you may remember that Gigi was a fun-loving librarian who lived with two fat, ornery pugs. She’d had one ill-fated Vegas marriage, but who doesn’t have one of those in their past? She half-heartedly went to the gym, but enthusiastically went to bars, watched horrible television or worked on G&S in her spare time. She and Shakira masterfully reviewed many Lifetime movies, pageants and a certain male strip club so that you didn’t have to investigate for yourself. Or you could know before you go. Or something. You’re welcome. They may have exaggerated some of their adventures and they certainly made fun of their many ex-suitors, by creating trading cards with their likenesses and vital statistics. Not as many of the ex-suitors were 5’3, 400 lbs and plagued by erectile dysfunction as they may have intimated. Oops. #sorrynotsorry

Wow, it has taken nine years for Gigi to write anything new for Gorgeous and Sassy! What has she been up to? Let’s find out!

We’ll start with some good news: Gigi has made her re-entry back into the work-a-day world and she’s still in the library sciences. She is an Archivist! Hardly anyone really knows what that means and Gigi’s not about to explain it. She likes a little mystery.

Gigi is the mother of three (boy) children, who are all fairly close in age. She was pregnant from mid 2006 until late 2010. She did not glow, but resembled an angry weeble. She would sit on you and steal your food if you looked at her the wrong way or attempted to rub her belly. For the love of everything, please stop rubbing pregnant women’s bellies! That is how you get your throat punched.

Did Gigi mention that her children are all boys? When Gigi was young and pictured the possibility of children, she envisioned one small, quiet girl, who would bake muffins with her or sit next to her on a comfortable couch while working on crafty projects like embroidery. Gigi’s sons do not enjoy baking and only eat the tops of muffins. They just throw the rest of that shit on the floor. They hate crafts and Gigi would be a damn fool to let them handle embroidery needles. Gigi’s no fool. On the plus side, these boys all love a good fart joke. They are funny and wild and the best thing that ever happened to Gigi. It’s not what she expected, but she has no regrets in that area.

Gigi really got into running after the birth of her third son. Such a surprise for someone whose other favorite hobbies can successfully be completed while laying down. She’s run two half marathons, plus several other races of varying lengths. She’s not fast, but she’s not as slow as she thought she would be. She is training to run a half marathon with her sister on her upcoming birthday, because she’s just going to get old anyway, so why not run while her legs still work? She drinks a margarita or eats a doughnut for every mile she runs, so don’t worry about her wasting away. NOT GONNA HAPPEN.

Gigi recently finished her second marriage. Things did not go swimmingly in that department. In fact, they went horrifically and spectacularly wrong. It is an interesting story, but please don’t ask her about it right now, because that can make her have sudden, unexpected crying. Nobody likes that. It makes us all uncomfortable.

Gigi drives a vaguely colored, ten year-old minivan. It might be tan but it might be silver. Nobody knows. It’s the Absence of Color. It is a whale of an automobile with an unexplained dent on one side, that totally adds character. As does the missing hub cap.

Gigi’s pugs both died in 2011. She now lives with the aforementioned boy children and her crazy little rescue doggie, Josie. Josie is a bitch in every sense of the word. Sorry, but Josie probably wouldn’t like you, at least not at first and maybe never. She’d bark at you for a good ten minutes straight upon meeting you. She’d pee if you tried to touch her. Then she’d bark more. Josie particularly hates men. Gigi is somewhat ambivalent about them at present, so this works just fine.

Gigi is putting her life back together. She runs several times a week to stay sane. She drinks copious amounts of wine to stay loose and hydrated. She laughs many times a day with her crazy kids and her crazier crew of friends. She watches a lot of Netflix and reads memoirs of interesting women. She’s still a bad ass. Maybe she’ll write something funny while she rebuilds. Stranger things have happened.

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